Tuesday, February 17, 2009

All In Parts and Pieces


The nightmares come when I least expect them and I'm fading in and out of my own head. It seems that I will never get away from it and them. They haunt me in my dreams and all that I want to do right now is scream and yell at the top of my lungs that I hate, I hate, I hate them, but the house is silent, so all that I can do is scream from the bottom of my soul. I'm trying to stay here in the present, but I can feel myself floating away, and my fingers on these keys are what is connecting me to myself. I know that I'm not making any sense, but this is what dissociating feels like. If I were to lay in bed right now in the quiet darkness I feel that I would drift into the nothingness and I may never find my way back, or at least that is the fear... the fear that I may never want to come back.

And I'm alone now
Me and all I stood for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
swim lonely
find your own way out
So far away
it's growing colder
without your love
Why can't you feel me
calling your name
Can't break the silence
It's breaking me
All my fears turn to rage
And I'm alone now
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
swim lonely
Find your own way out


Anonymous said...

PTSD is insidious. It's so hard to explain how awful and how real it is. You go into that emergency state and it's so hard to convince yourself the threat isn't real.

I'm sorry you're feeling that bad.

clean and crazy said...

I hate the nightmares. They feel so real and leave me in fear. My Wes tells me they are just dreams but I still have trouble with accepting that as well. I especially hate it when I wake up screaming, I don't like to sleep either. Hang in there

PinkLady said...

I went through PTSD myself, Angela. Every panic attack and nightmare paralyzed me. During the darkest period of my life, one prayer saved me. It somehow calmed me as I repeated the prayer. "My Father, if it is possible, please take this cup away from me. Not what I want, but what YOU want." I recited it in my mind like a mantra. It is short and easy to remember. That was Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane.

Keep the faith, Angela. Things always get better in the end.

Much Love,

Bing (",)

PinkLady said...

I have something to cheer you up. I hope you'll drop by at my site again soon to have a look and claim it. Hugs for you.

Bing (",)

Shinade said...

I thank God everyday for my DR. I take Remeron for sleep and depression.

Very seldom now do I drift into those awful nightmares and flashbacks.

But, I do stay at this computer almost day and night.

Perhaps it is what keeps me from losing it.

I stay distracted. Oh how I too hate having to live with these symptoms.

But, such is life and this is my cross to bear, and, so I shall!!

Hugs Angel:-))))

Angel said...

Thank you all for your support and comments. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who battles these demons. I know that there are people out there who understand. Thanks for all of the love and hugs!