Monday, April 6, 2009

Trying To Get To The Other Side


I'm really feeling overwhemled with anxiety right now, and I'm not quite sure why. I've been feeling so good and proud about how I've been doing lately, but today isn't going so well. I think that when I'm eating and doing better with food, the feelings seem like too much to handle, and that is when I always seem to fall. Tonight Dave isn't home, and that isn't helping. Maybe I rely on him too much, but I feel lost and afraid when he isn't around. I hate how my emotions are all over the place, and I cannot even name the feelings that I'm having. It just comes out as a tremendous discomfort that feels hard to sit with, and I feel like crawling out of my skin. In therapy we talk about how eating and purging is a choice, and I know that it is. I know that it is my coping skill of choice, and maybe I'm feeling angry about having to give it up. I want to, but I'm also so terrified. I let go a little, and then I have to swim back to safety. I get so tired of myself and all of my fears. I just called my therapist this morning to tell her how well that I did over the weekend, and now I feel like I'm falling apart. I know that I'm not though. I'm just trying to write myself through this anxiety so that I can get to the other side. At least I know that there is another side. I've been there.


Jennifer said...

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety and hope you are feeling better this morning.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, but I completely understand. I have sever anxiety and was on meds for several years. I still have attacks but try and talk myself down. When I'm anxious I also feel like I'm coming out of my skin. It's a terrible feeling. I also try and do breathing exercises or take a snooze. That helps sometimes. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Thanks for sharing today. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

Angel said...

Thanks Jennifer and Michelle. I'm feeling a bit better today:)

julia ward said...

You know... after reading your blog it seems like you're just afraid of being alone. And you've created all kinds of coping mechanisms to deal with it.

It's like being afraid of the dark. You just don't know what you're going to find under the bed - and it's scary.

So...turn the night light on, blast the stereo if you have to...
pop some popcorn and take a deep breath. And who says you have to stay home alone. Go rent a video or go window shopping.

And if all else fails - hold my hand!


Kathy said...

The feelings of anxiety creeping in when you have no idea of where they are coming from is one of the worst feelings for me to deal with. It is like I am trying to wade through a bundle of knotted snakes trying to pinpoint which one is biting me. So hard to feel so many emotions all over the place at once and not have the ability or energy to discover which one needs attention the most.

I, too, feel vulnerable and frightened when my husband is not around. I can so relate to worrying that I rely on him too much. But, he helps me to feel so safe and secure, why can't I rely on him right now? I am learning that it is ok to count on someone else. I have been alone for so long that it feels good to be able to trust and depend on him.

I am sorry that today was a challenge. Thank you for sharing your journey today. You are right, there is the another side, sometimes there is just some cloudiness to wade through before we can get there.

Peace and light to you!

Angel said...

Thank you Julia. You are right. I have some seperation anxiety. You have some very good ideas!

Kathy, It's nice to know that you too can relate to these feelings. I'm so glad that you stopped by.
Take care:)

julia said...

Good Morning...
Hope today is a better day for you!
Last night I read the most wonderful passage from a book called 1,001 Meditations by Mike George. And I thought of you...
it's in the section on "Finding your strengths".
195 - Moving through darkness - During times of darkness in our lives, we often feel lost and afraid. To find a way through these feelings, imagine that you are running through a dark forest. You pause and take several deep breaths. As you do so you notice a clearing ahead. You enter the clearing and rest there for a moment. Then you spot a path leading out of the clearing. You follow the path until finally you emerge into the sunlight.

Perhaps literally visulaizing yourself walking into the sunlight will help you release the anxiety of being alone.

I hope this helps. I'm trying to work through my depression and thoughts of suicide and sometimes this brings me back into the moment - and out of the darkness.


Angel said...

Thank you Julia. that is a wonderful visuaization. I will definitely try it. I appreciate you thinking of me!
Have a great day:)