Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Out Loud


I often have flashbacks and dreams about the sick details of being raped, but I can hardly ever say those details out loud. I have told my therapist some things, but up until now, I never knew that I had also told my mother, and that when I told her, it was out of anger. Anger is a difficult emotion for me to be honest about, and I tend to shove it down as deep as I can get it. My mom said that it was before I went into treatment for the eating disorder, which means it would have been about four years ago. At that point, I had not told my therapist much of anything other than it had happened. I was in a dissociative state when I told her and I don't remember it at all. I haven't talked to my husband about it yet, but she said that he was there, and that later when she came back downstairs, I was sitting in his lap, crying. That tells me that I was back inside the mind of an eleven year old girl. I don't like to think that I'm angry with her about it. As I child, I don't remember blaming her, but on a deeper level, if I'm honest about it, there is anger, it is just hard for me to access. Hiding behind the dissociation, I could safely express it, and so that is what I did. Hurting someone intentionally doesn't feel very good, even if I didn't know what I was doing. It is definitely something that I will be discussing with my therapist tomorrow. I'm not quite sure it is something that I'm able to wrap my mind around. I guess there is a part of me that felt it was important for her to know. I think that it may be important for me to be able to hear myself say those same words out loud.


battleinmind said...

This is so hard. Hun I'm sorry you had to go through rape. I can only imagine how hard it is to open up about it. I hope you can find a way to talk about it, I found it so freeing to talk about the sexual abuse I went through.

Sairs said...

I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I have never been sexually abused or raped and I can't imagine it or how it would make you feel but I could imagine it would hurt and make you feel so vulnerable to talk about it. Good luck with talking about it and be gentle with yourself.

Eve said...

Angela, I think you should road trip with your mom up here when she gets in:) It is actually a really quick trip and I am totally serious! Come!
Also, about your post, I feel like you are trying to apologize for something that is not necessary to apologize for. If I am wrong, forgive me, but DID or not, when you tell someone about details of rape that SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, you are going to have to expect that there is going to be a little shouting!
The following paragraph is from the first slogan in SIA and I believe that I read it today so that I would remember to write it here.
"We may get in touch with intense anger and it helps to realize that rage has a begining and an end. When we first get angry, it may frighten us, but there may be an inner child that starts jumping for joy. When that child is avenged, when she has been given voice, she will settle down again. After our need to be angry is satisfied, we will be able to let go of our anger."
I love you Angela.
Keep going!

Mom said...

My darling daughter, I never for a moment thought you wanted to hurt me. It only hurt because of my own guilt for allowing you and your brother to go to your dads in the first place and also because I couldn't protect you. Yes, you need to shout it out loud, because when you do it will dissolve the power that those sick men have over you. You are strong and brave enough, of this I'm sure. Take that little girl and protect her with your words. In my heart I'll be there with you. I love you more than I can put into words, Mom

Angela said...

I'm glad that you know that:) I still am not sure of how I feel about knowing that I said those words out loud to you. I love you too.

Mom said...

Who better to say how you feel and hopefully know that you finally safe to say it. Give yourself permission to say it out loud and really know that you're saying it!
Please remember that each time you do, it gets easier. The words can't hurt you. The actions of what others have already done are what hurt the very most. Take back the freedom of your voice! Mom

Mom said...

Hey, just to clear the air! It's not what you said to me that hurt, it's what those animals dared to do to my baby! So, please don't give it another moment of your thoughts. I know when you can that you'll kick their a---s to the curb. Love again. Mom