Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm Hungry


"Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau

I'm sitting here waiting for the dinner that my husband is cooking.( he doesn't always sit on the couch and watch golf;-) Anyway, back to the hunger, which comes with more frequency than I'm used to, and which also causes me a great deal of anxiety. The frequency is because I'm more active, and the anxiety is because as much as I do like food, I'm also afraid. I'm not afraid because it could make me overweight.'s not about the food at all. It is about the feelings that come with eating, and the feelings I can get rid of when I distract myself with hunger. This isn't some new insight into anorexia that I've just discovered, but it is something that I have to keep reminding myself of, because otherwise I get into the obsession that it IS about the weight and what my body looks like. I'm hungry..., and it is acceptable to have have needs, and to realize that I'm not insatiable. I'm not a bottomless pit of endless desires that will go unfulfilled. I can attempt to eat without fear, and that is what I'm trying to do. I restrict everyday, and although it is definitely not to the degree that it used to be, it is still the denial that creeps in on a daily basis. It makes me sad that I have the need to inflict pain on myself. It is such a dichotomy to run from pain, and yet cause myself pain. I'm hungry..., and I will continue trying to fill myself full of all the things that life has to offer. I know that there will be joy and grief, sorrow and indesribable beauty. I want it all, because I'm hungry.


Eve said...

This is brilliantly worded. Thank you for your honesty. Keep going! I love you!

I Hate to Weight said...

my friend says that -- fear keeps me doing what i shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing the things i should.

also, courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is acting even in the face of fear.

YOU are very courageous.

Sairs said...

I know what you mean as I used to do the same thing. It was really hard to switch from recovery, where I restricted still, even right up to the end, to recovered. I am happy I am there now and you will too one day. Now I still get the thoughts but I can totally ignore them as if they are annoying flies and swat them away. You are doing so awesome. Self-realisation is a big thing and it looks like you are doing really well in that area. Keep on going and it will just get better and better. I am not saying though you won't fall down once in a while but that's the way it goes.

Ruth said...

Sounds like you're doing well. Personally I feel like I'm going downhill. We've had family services involved for a long time and our caseworker is a real pain, keeps finding new things for us to do before she'll close the case. Now she's telling me I need to start seeing a therapist within the next month or she's going to have my son taken away! I've been thinking about seeing someone anyway but the fact that I'm being threatened into doing it really gets me upset.

I think I'm going to end up putting "forced by family services" on the intake form where it asks why I'm requesting treatment. Not that I don't have issues, of course, but right now I'm just pissed off at this woman who's trying to tear my family apart. I feel like she's looking for excuses to do just that and nothing I do will be good enough.

Angela said...

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. I personally think that everyone could use a bit of therapy, and if it helps you to keep your son, then I think it is worth it. Maybe try to think of why this upset you so much. Think of how this could change your life. In the end, maybe you would be able to thank this woman, even though you think she is questioning your parenting skills, it could be that she only really has your entire family's best interests in mind. Sending {{{HUGS}}} I wish you only the best!

Sia Jane said...

This was deeply saddening and yet filled with hope.
Keep fighting beautiful.
You are worth this fight xxxx

Ruth said...

Probably true but she's been involved with us for such a long time I've gotten to the point I just want to be left alone. I guess if I don't like it I can always stop after she closes the case. Which I hope she does soon, another couple months and it'll be a year!