Tuesday, February 8, 2011



“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” ~ Aldous Huxley

There is deep within, a depth of despair that I cannot seem to find the words for… that I seem unable, or maybe it is unwilling to express. In desperation, I reach into my own silence, and I’m drowning inside. I tell myself that no one understands how empty and stolen I feel, as if my soul has been ripped away, and can never be repaired. Never is such a child’s word. Never is eternity, an endless chasm in which I’ve fallen. I don’t remember asking you to promise that you would never leave. “Never ever,” I said, like a little girl, but promises are also for children, and you can’t, you reply. I’m embarrassed by your memory, because mine skips time when I’m afraid. I thought that I was reaching out, but really, all that I’m asking is for you to give up…to let me go.


Anonymous said...

No one is holding onto you...that is not possible, therefore we don't have the ability to let go. Saying it like that puts the responsibility on us, and not you. You are asking us to let go so that you don't have to do the work. It is not our job to let go. It is your job to hang on.

clean and crazy said...

your words are so sad today. it must be the weather. you will get through this, your babies need you, they may be older but they are still your babies. they love you. we all do. don't give up

Angela said...

You are right. It is my job to hang on. I think that I have tried to explain to everyone how much I'm struggling, but no one seems to understand. I don't think that anyone knows how to really help me. I know that I need to also help myself, but I'm so tired of fighting to keep my head above water.

Sia Jane said...

I think you deserved a little more understanding with regards to the first comment...
Especially given what you have just, clearly difficultly, articulated.

You work incredibly hard to heal and recover.

Often we need to reflect in this way, to realize that there are issues or people, or circumstances, that cage us in.
And we become desperate to be heard, understood, freed.

And that is okay too.
To want help.
To want someone to swim for us whilst we rest and regain strength.

Where we find that "time out" is unique to us all.

Mine is losing myself with the children.
For that small time, I am not thinking, fighting, struggling.
I am at one with them, and my reality is blocked.

Of course, I return back to me, but in that precious few moments, I have been let go.

My "illness" has allowed me a vacation.
And that is all we can do.
Find the ways that allow us to feel like we are taking a "vacation" from real life.
It doesn't always have to be so intense and focused.

Take care Angela, and please, keep fighting xxxx
You know where to find me xxxx

Angela said...

Thank you, Rachel:)I know that you can understand because you have been there. It is frustrating to have my therapist put my recovery in such simplistic words such as, "Isn't it time to finally recover," or "You have to take that first step." Sure it's time, and I know that I have to let go of my fears, but it doesn't make it any easier to do that. I'm so tired of fighting right now, but that doesn't mean that I will always be tired. I can only hope that this giving up stage is just a stage.

Anonymous said...

Only surrendering the fight to a Higher Power will fill the emptiness within and make you feel whole again. This is what is missing in your recovery.

Angela said...

I'm not very religious, and I'm not in touch with a Higher Power, but it would be nice to surrender the fight to someone or something else because I'm so very tired.

Anonymous said...

You only have to acknowledge the part of yourself that is God, your spiritual self which existed before your body was born and will live after your body dies. Your soul has not been ripped out, but lies asleep, untouched. The energy of your love and life force are part of a Higher Power, which didn't begin and doesn't end with your experience on earth. When you awaken in spirit, you will have access to the power and strength that already lies within you.

Ruth said...

I had a friend who had a saying, "life sucks, then you die".

Then she died.

I feel like my life has been going downhill ever since.

Don't leave us, honey, we'd miss you too much. A "higher power" doesn't have to be an external "god", there's a little piece of God inside everyone. This tiredness is just the ED's way of saying "give up already, you can't win". Find some way to take a break if you can, but hang in there. You are loved.


Anonymous said...

Angela said...

Thank you so much Ruth:) I am taking a break. I need a reprieve from the constant pushing to move forward. I end up feeling like such a failure. I appreciate your comment, and hope things will begin to look up for you. <3

Angela said...

I loved the song, Anonymous. I added it to my favorites:) I'm not giving up, just taking a break for awhile. Take care<3