Thursday, February 10, 2011



I step through your door, into the safe familiarity of pictures and books, the window where I've watched the rain and snow, protected from the bright glare of the sun chasing after me. We have talked, and sat in silence while you wait for my words, of which I've run out. I nod when you speak, agreeable and compliant, because my decision is to resign. I've tried to tell you, but you won't give up, when I've all but begged you to, and yet I continue to cast shadows on your floor. "I will believe for you, until you can believe on your own," you say with such compassion that my throat constricts, and I cannot seem to swallow so much pain. I tell you that I feel an overwhelming need to apologize. I call you on the phone, but you say that you can't work with me like this. I'm a petulant child, an angry adolescent, and you refuse to play my games. I'm sorry that I do this, that I reach for you, and then become volatile when you attempt to help me. I reach, I push, I run, I hide, and every week I return to the shelter of you, because I'm afraid that if I don't show up, I'll lose all sense of time. You are a touch point within the moments, hours, days that get lost, hoping that you will find me before I fade away. Before I fade away...


The Woollen Typist said...

OH wow. Erm...that pretty much sums up exactly why & how I quit therapy.
I'm a little spooked now.

I Hate to Weight said...

i wonder -- what is the behavior that she can't work with?

i've been off blog world for a little while (still don't have internet at home), so did i miss something -- are you leaving therapy?

i hope that you continue. it's so important to have someone in your corner, as she so clearly is.

i know that sometimes we push away people who care about us.

i hope you'll let her stay beside you

Angela said...

I'm not leaving, but I often contemplate it when I'm stuck and can't move forward. She is always on my side, and never gives up on me, even when I'm giving up on myself.

Star-chuu said...

hmmmm..that's would be great! but what if someday she gives up and you realized that you need her. Sometimes, we can only realized things if the person who take care for us gone and fade away in our life. You must appreciate her. Thanks for sharing my friend.