You tickle me because you say that you like to hear my laughter. "Don't you like to laugh?" you ask me. I've been thinking about your question, and that you must mean that I don't laugh very often. I don't cry either. I smile. Sometimes I smile so much that it hurts. I'm afraid of intense emotions...afraid I will lose control of myself or reveal too much. Within a smile, lies and pain are hidden away. Very few will question someone wearing a smile. It keeps everyone at a safe distance, although lately I have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to live in a cage anymore. Why do I continue to push away the people who want to help me break free? It is because I have never had any belief in myself...only shame and self loathing, and I know that I need to rid myself of those things. It feels like such a daunting task. If I'm honest, all I really want is for someone else to lift the weight off of my shoulders. I'm tired and lazy, and I don't want to do the work. I want to be done with the eating disorder, but I want someone else to feed me my meals like when I was inpatient. I know that sounds pathetic, but when I was inpatient there was no choice but to eat. It was eat, be tube fed, or have to drink extra supplements which no one wanted to do. I just can't seem to stay on track all by myself. I have a horrible fear of eating three meals a day, and gaining more weight. That is my reality, so although I want more help, no one can give that to me. I have to have the courage and strength to beat this on my own. I know that I have been successful in the past, but I always seem to slip, and that is disheartening. I have to find a way to pick myself up, and stand on my own two feet.
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Can you see your doctor to get help with this? I think it's great that you want to but you shouldn't have to do it alone! xxx
Hope you have someone to talk to. xx:)
The hardest part is doing it "on our own". It's so much easier when someone else is there pushing us because we can blame them for the situation, how it effects us, etc. When it's just us, it's so much harder. I understand and sympathize. You are strong and you can do this!
it sounds like you ARE making changes in your feelings and emotions and that is incredibly scarey, even terrifying.
it makes sense that you're going to your Ed, back to a familiar place where we think we can control some aspect of our lives, as other aspects of our lives feel less safe.
it's so important that you're seeing what you're doing with food. and yes, i hope you're sharing all this with your support team.
lot of hugs,
melissa
This post echoes my recent sentiments. The older I get, the more I can't help but feel that we go through life essentially alone, rubbing shoulders with other people along the way occasionally. If we don't pick ourselves up when we fall, no one else will. Some kind Samaritan may extend a helping hand, but we've got to want to get up in the first place.
*hugs*
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