Not Scared Enough
You would think that summer would be the hardest time of year for me. I was raped the summer that I was eleven, and though it is hard, autumn and winter are the worst. I remember going back to school, the smells in the air, the feel of the wind, and trying to forget. This time of year brings back the pain of holding it all inside. It brings back the fear that everyone would discover my secret and be disgusted when they looked at me. I can still feel the filth crawling on my skin, and I wish more than anything, that I was not here. I want to close my eyes and be able to disappear. It's not that I'm necessarily suicidal, although both attempts have been in the winter, and my eating dwindles down to nothing. Maybe I only want to escape from being me, and of knowing that people will hurt you. I don't want to remember. Both of my attempts were meant to obliterate the memories, and at the time, I didn't contemplate the finality of death. I still don't. Most of the time I choose to forget that I'm slowly killing myself, and my health is failing. I ignore the osteoporosis, the skipped heartbeats, and my screwed up digestive system. My therapist tried to scare me today, and the tough love hurts and makes me angry at the same time. How dare she care, and make me feel guilty for hurting those who love me. I get mad at everyone around me, and for what? For loving me when I can't love myself? It all sounds so easy when everyone tells me that I need to take care of myself. Just eat...it is only food...go to the kitchen, try not to think about it, and do it. My therapist said that she thinks her words roll off of me like teflon. I hear them, but I can't find enough energy to put them into action. To say I'm tired is an understatement. To say I don't really care is the truth. I scare myself a little, but not enough. Not enough to find the strength to take care of me.
Comments
take care,
CC
It's easy for someone like me to say let it go, move on, heal and start anew. I have had my own memories to deal with but I haven't been through what you have.
I wonder, if you were to be in a position to help someone who has been through what you have, what you would tell them? What would you suggest they do in order to recover and live a fuller, happier life? What words of comfort would you give? Maybe you need to counsel yourself as you would a loved one and follow your own advice. I don't know if that's the answer, I just know that it helped me get past some of my own history and be kinder to myself.
As for you stopping your writing, I think it would be a mistake if writing is important to you and something that helps you. If it is a negative thing in your life, that's a different story. Do what is right for YOU.
But then I don't want to encourage you nor say something positive about it because I'm not in the position. I wasn't "in" that experience. But this is what I learned about my own personal ordeals---that love has to start from myself and if I don't , I'll end up hurting every person who gives me love. That everything comes to pass if we choose to pass over . If we don't choose to get up and pass over "that bridge", we're going to be stuck in that hellhole we are trying to evade. That strength does not come from me---it's trust in God who really cares.
I am not telling you to believe me....I'm just sharing the lessons I learned.
Then I learned to care for my inner child. Ever since I improved. Greatly within 6 months of intense trauma therapy and got released. Many things still needs to be learned and practiced. Yet I am not haunted anymore, not hunted down. Depression, shame and guilt lifted. Yet I needed to be more exhasuted and desperate then I ever know I could be. Not one moment earlier I was ready. Mostly because I was convinced I would manage. I wouldnt be worth or capable to overcome. By now I know I have like everyone else the innate capacity to overcome and heal as my innermost core being is undestroyable.
I care for myself, for my blog friends, for you. As you are now, as you may be today. Hugs
Do what you want.
Old man in Florida
Didn't even cross my mind that it was you:) Don't worry, I'm in the pits right now, but I will be okay. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that I have lots of support. I will call this weekend.
hang in there. it is very possible to get better. just hang on and hang in. i don't mean that to sound trite.
you've been thru too much. and that's the facts.
your poetry is wonderful, so clear.
take care, Angela.
Melissa