Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Not Scared Enough


You would think that summer would be the hardest time of year for me. I was raped the summer that I was eleven, and though it is hard, autumn and winter are the worst. I remember going back to school, the smells in the air, the feel of the wind, and trying to forget. This time of year brings back the pain of holding it all inside. It brings back the fear that everyone would discover my secret and be disgusted when they looked at me. I can still feel the filth crawling on my skin, and I wish more than anything, that I was not here. I want to close my eyes and be able to disappear. It's not that I'm necessarily suicidal, although both attempts have been in the winter, and my eating dwindles down to nothing. Maybe I only want to escape from being me, and of knowing that people will hurt you. I don't want to remember. Both of my attempts were meant to obliterate the memories, and at the time, I didn't contemplate the finality of death. I still don't. Most of the time I choose to forget that I'm slowly killing myself, and my health is failing. I ignore the osteoporosis, the skipped heartbeats, and my screwed up digestive system. My therapist tried to scare me today, and the tough love hurts and makes me angry at the same time. How dare she care, and make me feel guilty for hurting those who love me. I get mad at everyone around me, and for what? For loving me when I can't love myself? It all sounds so easy when everyone tells me that I need to take care of myself. Just is only food...go to the kitchen, try not to think about it, and do it. My therapist said that she thinks her words roll off of me like teflon. I hear them, but I can't find enough energy to put them into action. To say I'm tired is an understatement. To say I don't really care is the truth. I scare myself a little, but not enough. Not enough to find the strength to take care of me.


Clueless said...

First off (((((((Angela)))))). I wish that I had some comforting or encouraging words to say, but I'm just not in that place right now. However, I really identified with the last part of the could have been me speaking.

take care,

Anonymous said...

It is so hard sometimes to keep fighting. Knowing we are hurting ourselves just doesn't seem to be enough. Please try to hang in there one day at a time. Feeling your pain.

Anonymous said...

"I can't find the energy to put them into action." That's because you are not eating. "To say Im tired is an understatement." That's because you are not eating. If you don't care why are you asking so many of us to care? You are feeling guilty for hurting those you love? At what point are you going to stop this madness? The rape was how many years ago? 30 years? 30 years! Yes, it is time for tough love. And that's why they call it tough! Quit whining and asking for sympathy. Start taking charge of your life and asking for support, tough love and whatever else it takes to get you to where you need to be!!!!!!!!! What you've been doing for the past 30 years is not working. You are exactly where you were when you were 11 years old. You don't have the strength because you are still acting like an 11 year old. Take charge! Make a choice and be done with it!

Angela said...

I'm not really asking anyone to care.

Ann said...

When I read this it reminded me of a book I once read. It talked about taking control of your own life, letting go of the past and refusing to allow it to control you. I know that it's something that is easier said than done but I pray that you can find the way to finally take control of you.

Angela said...

I want so much to let go of the past, but it continues to haunt me. I think it is because I stuffed it all down for so many years. Now I still have flashbacks, and they feel like it is happening all over again when those happen. I'm always having nightmares about it too. I'm trying to work through it in therapy, but it feels like it is taking forever. I feel like all I do is whine and complain on this blog, but it feels like the only place that I can let my true feelings out. This has to be a place for me, but I'm thinking about discontinuing writing in a public forum.

MrsMenopausal said...

{{{{{Angela}}}}}} I hate that this happened to you and especially that it happened at such a tender and innocent age. I cannot even imagine the horror of it.

It's easy for someone like me to say let it go, move on, heal and start anew. I have had my own memories to deal with but I haven't been through what you have.

I wonder, if you were to be in a position to help someone who has been through what you have, what you would tell them? What would you suggest they do in order to recover and live a fuller, happier life? What words of comfort would you give? Maybe you need to counsel yourself as you would a loved one and follow your own advice. I don't know if that's the answer, I just know that it helped me get past some of my own history and be kinder to myself.

As for you stopping your writing, I think it would be a mistake if writing is important to you and something that helps you. If it is a negative thing in your life, that's a different story. Do what is right for YOU.

bingkee said...

I do not believe that you are not asking anyone to care.....every human being with a soul to pour her heart out on this post to the public. The fear of rejection always haunts a lot of people. You just need someone to really understand what you're going true. Sometimes, I hate to say, there's guilt inside of you that you don't want to recognize because you're angry.
But then I don't want to encourage you nor say something positive about it because I'm not in the position. I wasn't "in" that experience. But this is what I learned about my own personal ordeals---that love has to start from myself and if I don't , I'll end up hurting every person who gives me love. That everything comes to pass if we choose to pass over . If we don't choose to get up and pass over "that bridge", we're going to be stuck in that hellhole we are trying to evade. That strength does not come from me---it's trust in God who really cares.
I am not telling you to believe me....I'm just sharing the lessons I learned.

Anonymous said...

The reason people respond to your blog is because they care. So yes, you are asking people to care. Why else would you work out your innermost personal traumas, demons, and tragedies in a public forum? You are putting yourself out there hoping to be ignored? I don't think so. You have chosen this extremely public avenue so that people will reach out to you. You want people to tell you they care about you so that you will feel better. It's a natural human desire and emotion. This blog feeds your "appetite" for attention and empathy and that is why your recovery is so slow. This blog keeps you 100% connected to the past, connected with people who feel the same, know the same thoughts, have been through the same thing, can't get past the same issues. That is not the healthy way to heal.

Angela said...

I don't really care if people respond to me or not on this blog to tell me that they care. I mostly started this as a way to share my poetry, but it has also been a way for me to voice how I'm feeling, because using my voice out loud is a difficult thing for me to do. I appreciate when people comment, and it is nice that people do seem to care, but I would be fine if no one commented. I had this blog for quite awhile before people did start to comment, and that was fine with me. I'm questioning whether or not to continue here though. I will continue to post poems, but maybe not my personal life.

Paula said...

Angela, I never had problem with food. So I never walked in your shoes. My emotional, physical and sexual abuse haunted me for so very long. I couldnt care less. I couldnt get my butt up to LIVE. I felt haunted and hunted down. I couldnt recover because I was running. To busy and far to low on energy because of the running.
Then I learned to care for my inner child. Ever since I improved. Greatly within 6 months of intense trauma therapy and got released. Many things still needs to be learned and practiced. Yet I am not haunted anymore, not hunted down. Depression, shame and guilt lifted. Yet I needed to be more exhasuted and desperate then I ever know I could be. Not one moment earlier I was ready. Mostly because I was convinced I would manage. I wouldnt be worth or capable to overcome. By now I know I have like everyone else the innate capacity to overcome and heal as my innermost core being is undestroyable.
I care for myself, for my blog friends, for you. As you are now, as you may be today. Hugs

Anonymous said...

Just so you know, anonymous is not me.

Do what you want.

Old man in Florida

Angela said...

Old man,
Didn't even cross my mind that it was you:) Don't worry, I'm in the pits right now, but I will be okay. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that I have lots of support. I will call this weekend.

I Hate to Weight said...

my therapist thinks her words roll off me like teflon too. and she gets so angry with me.

hang in there. it is very possible to get better. just hang on and hang in. i don't mean that to sound trite.

you've been thru too much. and that's the facts.

your poetry is wonderful, so clear.

take care, Angela.

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