Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Let It Go

letting go Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm eating. Some. Enough to keep me going, and that is the best that I can do for now I tell myself, although I know better. I could improve upon my intake, and I'm not really sure what it is that is stopping me, besides fear. There is the fear of hurting, and feeling emotions that I push down, pretending that I'm fine. I can work through it okay, but then I walk through the door of my house, and I feel drained and exhausted. I have nothing left to give, the numbness takes over, and I welcome it. It is a safe place in what otherwise would be the chaos in my head. Thinking of what I will and won't eat takes up all of that space. It distracts me from any other feelings. I know things are getting bad when I don't call my parents during the weekend. When I'm good, I call. I feel the need to protect everyone from my sadness. I tend to isolate from family and friends as much as possible, and who wants to be around me anyway. The thing is that I'm so good at covering up how I'm feeling. I put on my happy face, and go about my business, hoping that no one will notice. Maybe I need a med increase, although upping my dose tends to make me jittery. Yeah, I know... I need to eat.
My anxiety over work is lifting. It has been better this week, and maybe the child that I'm working with needed to adjust to me. At least I haven't been hit this week. I just have to let it go, and let what happens happen. I've been moved around enough this year. I don't want to move again, and I'm determined to look at this placement as a challenge. Yeah, it's a tough kid, but I've had tough kids before. I have to believe in myself, and believe that I can handle it. Wow, that was a positive. Go me:)!!! If only I can learn to take things as they come, I think I would find that I'm stronger than I think I am.


Wanda's Wings said...

Too have been through all you have you are a very strong person. I'm glad you haven't been hit this week. That is a positive sign. Try to eat a little to keep strong enough to keep on going. I here supporting you. Take care.

clean and crazy said...

you KNOW you CAN do it!! you deserve to take care of yourself. it is so helpful to talk these things out, not just write them down. talk to your support people, your family and get it out of your head. they need you to talk to them it helps them as much as it helps you.

don't give up.

I Hate to Weight said...

what keeps us from nourishing ourselves? why are our bodies giving counter-intuitive advice? you know, intellectually, that to deal with these children you need fuel and brain-food. wouldn't you tell ANYONE in your situation to eat a good, healthy breakfast before going to work? wouldn't you recommend a nutritious lunch before facing your classroom?

why, why, why, why, why can't we listen to the great advice we'd give to someone else?

sorry for the rant -- i'm just frustrated with myself.

hope you can find a way to take good, healthy care of yourself.