THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sometimes I wonder...did it do any good to tell? All it did was bring everything to the surface, and it caused pain for other people besides me. It mostly hurt my mother, and brought her tremendous pain and guilt, none of which I would have wished on her. I stuffed everything for so long, and maybe it should have stayed buried. What have I done? I hate this. I wish that I could undo everything, but I can't. So here I am, at a loss as to how to fix everything.
I've come to realize that I think I know why I drink sometimes. It is because it makes me talk. I can let out my most agonizing feelings, and I do it without censoring myself. I can cry, and release emotions that otherwise I'm too self conscious to do. It's not the best way, but it is a way, none the less. I still need to find my true voice, without being destructive to do it. I did open up to my husband, and was able to tell him some of my feelings and fears. He is always here for me. I don't know why I hold back with him, when his love has always been unconditional. I'm afraid of disappointing him. I do feel like some of the wall has been broken down, and that is a relief. It is a start at least.

10 Comments:

I Hate to Weight said...

i think of the line from Hotel California, "some drink to remember; some drink to forget". here it sounds like you're drinking to remember.

i usually drink to forget, but sometimes i drink to remember who i am inside -- the person i repress and subjugate.

it's right that you told. you can not live with dark secrets kept down inside. you don't have to protect your parents. you NEED to have told.

why, why do we punish ourselves for something that was not our fault?

please be kind to yourself.

Wanda's Wings said...

I know I have tried so many things to both forget and remember. Sometimes it is just too painful. I feel I've have hurt members of my family without meaning to. You did the right thing to tell, because it will eat you alive if you don't. Please take care of yourself.

Paula said...

My future husband to be is sober for years. I never fully understood why he was drinking, I just tried to care for myself. Well, when I finally attended Al Anon. Yet I am - like your Mother are responsible for our feelings. It is good that you want to find your voice. It is right. It is YOUR right. I appreciate that finding your voice is a need for you. I am here, I am listening. Paula

battleinmind said...

Hi :) I'm tihnking exactly the same,I so wish I'd just stayed quiet. I hate it now people know.

I know how hard it is to find a voice, you can do it, and I'm the same with drink.

xxx

Just Be Real said...

Angela, thank you for sharing. One day praying that you truly will find your voice dear one. Blessings.

hopeandhush said...

"Sometimes I wonder...did it do any good to tell? All it did was bring everything to the surface, and it caused pain for other people besides me. It mostly hurt my mother, and brought her tremendous pain and guilt, none of which I would have wished on her. I stuffed everything for so long, and maybe it should have stayed buried. What have I done? I hate this. I wish that I could undo everything, but I can't."

I dont drink, but I have EXACTLY the same thoughts on my ED. *hugs Angela*

Ann said...

Your voice is there Angela, use it. Scream, shout, let it all out. :)

June_Butterfly said...

There's always a time for everything.And the time for the bottled up emotions you have inside came.

We can't undo the past,but we can unleash some ghosts so that remembering won't be too painful.

We are but humans.Weak by nature.We all drew strengths from various sources.Drinking may not be always the right way but i'm glad that at least it helped you.Soon I know you will find the courage to speak in your own will.

Paula said...

Thinking of you. Love xx

大人の出会い said...

大人の出会いで大興奮!素敵な一夜を共に過ごせるパートナーを探しませんか?割り切った関係、肉体関係だけでもOK!