Sometimes I wonder...did it do any good to tell? All it did was bring everything to the surface, and it caused pain for other people besides me. It mostly hurt my mother, and brought her tremendous pain and guilt, none of which I would have wished on her. I stuffed everything for so long, and maybe it should have stayed buried. What have I done? I hate this. I wish that I could undo everything, but I can't. So here I am, at a loss as to how to fix everything.

I've come to realize that I think I know why I drink sometimes. It is because it makes me talk. I can let out my most agonizing feelings, and I do it without censoring myself. I can cry, and release emotions that otherwise I'm too self conscious to do. It's not the best way, but it is a way, none the less. I still need to find my true voice, without being destructive to do it. I did open up to my husband, and was able to tell him some of my feelings and fears. He is always here for me. I don't know why I hold back with him, when his love has always been unconditional. I'm afraid of disappointing him. I do feel like some of the wall has been broken down, and that is a relief. It is a start at least.