Sunday, September 12, 2010

I Can Still Smile

Happiness Is Free Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm filled with words that I spill out onto this blog. Yes, I know that I have readers that come here. I wonder why it is that they continue to return. Is it like the car wreck on the side of the road that you can't quite look away from? It touches me that people care. I know that there are people out there that can identify with what I'm going through. Do we feed off of each other's pain? I don't think so, although there are those who would disagree. When I was in treatment with other women and girls who were fighting their eating disorders, it was comforting to not feel so alone. I learned from them. In many ways , I miss treatment. When I was there, I had no choice but to eat. Eat or be isolated, with no privileges. Of course, I tried that route, but it was wasted time getting better, and I did want to get better. I still do, but I don't know if I can do it on my own without the 24/7 monitoring of a treatment center. I feel ashamed to admit this. I just wasn't there long enough to get a hold on this. Damn insurance. Once your weight restored, they kick you out, when really it has nothing to do with the weight. I cannot seem to hold myself accountable, and my treatment team can't be there to hold my hand through every meal.
Yesterday I cried through a bowl of cereal that I could not manage to finish. I'm struggling to eat with my family. I'm sliding backwards day by day when it comes to food, and I don't feel like I even know how to eat anymore. It is like a foreign activity, which kind of makes me laugh. I know it's not really funny, but sometimes I still have to find some humor in the mess of my life. I can still smile.


Wanda's Wings said...

((((((Angela)))))) Sometimes I feel like I need to be "locked up" 24/7. I alternate from one destructive behavior to another. My diagnoses range from eating disorder, bipolar, self mutilation and others. The hospitals just don't get it. They "stabilize" you and then throw you out to fend for yourself. I think writing is a good tool to let out some of the anxiety about what we go though. I think we need one another. Therapy is good, but you are right when you say they can't be with us all the time. I think of you often and wish I had a better answer for you. Do know I have grown to care for you and would like to see you recover.

Just Be Real said...

Powerful post Angela. A lot of emotion written. Thank you for sharing and reaching the many that need to read this. Blessings.

Angela said...

Thank you so much Wanda. Your words mean so much:)

Nicole said...

You are not a car wreck, Angie. You are an absolutely beautiful, strong woman who is caring, intelligent and insightful. I read because I love you and I understand. I care very much about you and I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. I have always believed in you and I will always believe in you. I really don’t know what I would do without you and I will never give up on you. Please keep fighting and don’t give up on yourself. You can make it through this <3

All my love <3<3<3

June_Butterfly said...

I guess people return here because they somehow relate to what you are going through.Each one has their own pain.Sometimes knowing you're not alone helps you find strength to be better.

I hope and wish for you to find your way to peace.Not to forget what had happened in the past ,but to have peace in yourself to face it,and to move forward.It is hard.The battle seem endless.I hope we all can help one another just by being there.

Fraises des Bois said...

Angela, I discreetly come to visit your words because it helps me feel not so alone. There are too many ppl in this world that buy into/play up the facade of 'having it all together'. I've learned the hard way that not only can I not keep up with those ppl, I don't want to. I need to be around and with people that are much more real, with themselves, with me.
So I thank you for your honesty, because it allows me to be more honest.

Paula said...

Angela, I do care. Told you I have no glue about eating disorder. I have no glue about being thrown out of a hospital because the insurance decides you are ok now. I am in the fortuante position that I have this day center available to me. When I left after 12 weeks end of January I know at had the tools yet I felt at a loss. I wasnt stable enough in my mind to hold on. Yet I knew I would return for a second intervall and last friday I left the center after 6 weeks because I am done. I was ready to leave. Ready. Therefore from this point I understand how lost you feel. I do not know whatelse in the USA is avilable to you. No crisis phone you can call whenever u need support? Groups to attend, if necessary daily? Weekly?
I am truly, truly sorry that you feel so bad. And you show so much much humour and strength that you still can smile. Two incredible resources right at your finger tips. Please be kind with yourself. No reason to be ashamed at all. Love to you

Angela said...

Just Be Real,
As always, thanks for the hugs, and support:)

Paula, unfortunately there are no day programs available where I live for eating disorders. I do see a therapist and nutritionist, and that helps some. I just wish there was something more intensive available close to home. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more stable! That is wonderful news:)

Nicole, Thanks for always believing in me. Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite because I tell you to keep fighting when sometimes it looks like I'm giving up. I love you too!

June Butterfly,
Thanks for the comment. I wish all of us who struggle the peace to continue on this journey.

Fraises des Bois,
I'm glad that you left a comment. I'm glad to hear when my honesty can help others. Thanks for visiting me:)

Missy said...

Aw, Angela! You are not a train wreck!

I follow your blog because I face a lot of the same struggles and challenges and I like to offer support when it's rough and share and be inspired by your triumphs.

We are not alone.
Lately I have the same thoughts about not being able to go it alone and it is so frightening to feel so weak and powerless.

I just try and remember ... it'll be okay in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. And to never give up hope.