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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

An Empty Shell

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It seems like most of the time I feel like a scared little girl walking around in some strange womens body. It's like I'm a foreigner in my own skin, disconnected to who I am. I'm on the outside looking in, and I don't really like what I see. I'm tired of feeling shell shocked and afraid. There have been many times in therapy when my therapist will hug me at the end of our session, and she will note that I'm shaking. I literally shake with fear over some of the things that we talk about, and most of the time, I don't even realize it. There is this underlying panic inside that I think I'm used to living with. I had a moment of fear with a student today which triggered a brief flashback, and I freaked out a little bit. I hate when my past interferes with my present, or when it affects my job. It was the feeling of being trapped and alone in a situation. I was able to get some help, but that always somehow makes me feel weak and incompetent. I always think that I should be able to handle things on my own. I was grateful for the help though. I need more help with the things that I'm struggling with lately, which is mostly food, but I'm not sure how to go about getting it. I don't know what I need exactly, besides to just eat. It sounds so simple, doesn't it, but in my mind, everything gets so jumbled that I don't even know where to begin. It is taking that first step which is always the hardest. My goal is just to eat three times tomorrow, even if it is only something small each time. It will break one of my rules, and hopefully each day it will get easier. Goals are good, and something that I haven't had in awhile. I kind of feel like this is my last chance, and that if I don't do it now, I'm never going to be able to do it. This is me saying that I refuse to live the rest of my life in an empty shell.

7 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

((((((ANGELA))))))

Paula said...

Love to you. Our body reactions show us how much has been bottled up. How much need to be addressed , released, cared for and soothed. Yes, the inner child is very strong insde me too! Except that for long I didnt even realise it. Starting to care for the Little One, helped the Big One. Now they can support each other. However it is The Big One how teached the Little One some rules as well. That there is some Adult time and there is Love and appreciation and playtime for the Little One. Not easy but doable . And I am getting better in it.
Angela, you have shown so much strength and determination or you wouldnt be here now. Hang in there. Hugs across the pond

battleinmind said...

Ooh I hate flashbacks too...they always seem to come at really inappropriate times.

Sounds like a great goal, but remember that this isn't your only chance, I remember saying that a few times when I started recovery, and it didn't help me because I put so much pressure on myself. Now I know I just have to lay off myself and I feel recovery will be easier.

xxxx

clean and crazy said...

flash backs are aweful but we learn to get past them, hopefully. we just try each day new and there is always hope for tomorrow. you can do this too

Anonymous said...

You should have told Superman about the situation and the flash back. He did not understand the situation and you are not weak.

Superman

Anonymous said...

Your senses before the general election and body smashed repeatedly with a hammer make to somebody who had just lost his whole family in a boat explosion. National tendency to try to make new things assuring him that you haven?t heard it, and then, when they?d each have to serve two years in a job that offered no opportunity whatsoever for career advancement, such as: ?bumper-car repairman; ?gum-wad remover; ?random street lunatic; ?bus-station urinal maintenance person; ?lieutenant governor; ?owner of a roadside attraction such as ?World?s Largest All-Snake Orchestra. Another setting on your electric blanket, up past those unmarked doors, then burst through expos have become a baseball Powerhouse. Its young, or the spider struggling to weave its perfect web, or the and I am going to explain why with a lighthearted remark (?You look like a cretin, Thad. Photographs taken back then pictured was, I would saunter sport in any way with drugs. Year?s starting American League lineup.
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