Black Or White

Work is really wearing me out lately. I have an aggressive student in the morning, and then I spend the afternoon in the autism pre-school. It makes for a very exhausting day. Today when I came home, all that I really wanted to do was park my butt on the couch and be lazy, but I got on the treadmill instead, and now I feel so much better. I really had to talk myself into it, but I'm glad that I did.
I'm doing okay with food this week after a rough weekend. I miss breakfast, but I have been taking my lunch to work in the afternoon. Dinner seems to be the most difficult. I either don't eat, or I eat and then purge it. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much with it, and it is very frustrating, especially the purging. It is almost like having an out of body experience when I do it, and it really does scare me because it feels so out of control. I just feel like I can't have the dinner food and calories inside of me. My therapist tries to tell me that it is not about the weight or calories, but about the feelings that I'm trying to avoid. I have a hard time with that concept though. It FEELS like it is all about the weight to me. I would be happy if only I could weigh 10 lbs less, 15 lbs, 20 lbs...when does it end? It doesn't end. It is an all black or white game that I play with myself, only there never is a winner, because it will never be enough. Will it be enough when I can force myself to sit with these feelings without running away and hiding behind the eating disorder? I don't even remember not having an eating disorder anymore. It has been so long that I'm honestly terrified of letting it go, as crazy and masochistic as that must sound. It is a strange sort of comfort that I wrap around myself, as if it can somehow keep me safe. I try hard to see through the illusion, but I continue to flail. I'm dreading going to see my therapist and nutritionist tomorrow because I wonder when they are going to give up on me. I don't even know what to say to them. I'm honest about my behaviors, and I'm not hiding anything, so I know that I want the help, and maybe for now, that is enough.