Bad Ass

Friends at work often tease me for being so soft spoken and non assertive. I'm afraid of rocking the boat, hurting feelings, and angry confrontations. I avoid those things at all cost. It is always at my own expense. I rarely speak up for myself, so it is easy to get taken advantage of, which I know is my own fault. After work on Friday, I met some co workers for drinks, and the waitress got our order wrong. One of my friends dared me to flag her down and tell her. They were all laughing, thinking that I wouldn't do it. I hesitated for a moment, and then boldly called her over, and it does feel very good to get what you want. Of course, you don't have to be rude about it when mistakes happen, and that is how I'm always afraid standing up for myself is going to come off. I've said here before, that I worry too much about what other people think of me. It is important for me to be liked, but deep down inside, there is also an inner bad ass waiting to be set free. I find myself wanting to stand tall, proud, and speak my truth. I have dreams of confronting my rapists with brutal rage. It has taken me so long to get angry, and it is frustrating not to be able to direct that anger anywhere. I used to turn it on myself, but those days are slowly dwindling away. I'm stronger and more confident than I used to be. I'm trying not to let the actions of others color the way I see myself. This past year left me feeling rejected with the loss of people who were important in my life. I took on all of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me, but it's not always about me! Now I can be sad, and miss those people without letting it tear down my self worth. I'm worth holding on to, and that is what I'm doing. I'm holding on to everything I am with acceptance, peace, and love. I used to carry with me the belief that I didn't matter or make a difference. It made it easy to treat myself with disdain. Now I have a renewed passion for living. I have dreams that I will work to make happen. I dream of teaching yoga to those who are suffering from eating disorders, trauma, and body image distortions. I would love to open up a therapeutic yoga studio focusing on healing the mind, body, and spirit. It has changed my life, and to have the ability to change even one other persons life would be satisfying. It feels good to be living in the moment, with hopes and dreams for the future. I may not be a bad ass, but I'm pretty tough;-)