Monday, November 19, 2007

Saying Goodbye

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I did manage to get some sleep last night. I've been up since 4:30 though. I had my computer packed away, but I pulled it back out for a nervous blogging session. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write out my thoughts and feelings. I suppose that on the outside I am always so busy hiding me feelings and putting on the happy mask that people expect. It is through writing that I can be free of all of that and just be me. I don't have to protect anyone from my words and feelings when I write them out. I especially try and protect my mother from my feelings of pain, because she always turns it around and makes it her fault, and I can't stand the guilt. The main reason that I could never tell her about the rape was because she would have blamed herself for sending me to my dads for the summer. She could have never known ahead of time how neglectfully my brother and I were going to be cared for. She already had such guilt over the divorce and all of the changes that took place in our lives. I didn't want to add to that. Even now she makes sure to let me know how much my pain effects her. I understand that, because when my kids hurt, I also hurt. I just can't deal with how much I'm hurting her right now. She tried to plan her flight in to coincide with my flight out, so that she can see me before I go. I just can't handle that right now, and I'm praying that we don't run into eachother. I'm thankful that she is coming to help Dave and the boys, but emotionally, I just can't deal with also having to say goodbye to her. It makes me angry that she cannot understand that. Anyway, that is my worry of the moment!

It is almost 7:00 a.m. Christian just left to go to school, so my first tears of the day have arrived. One child down, and three more to go. This is so very hard. Logan just came down the stairs, and he is next in line for my goodbye hug. He has autism, so doesn't really enjoy hugs and has a hard time understanding all of this emotion. He is getting a hug anyway, whether he likes it or not! I had to send him back upstairs to shave this morning. He keeps attempting to grow a beard or something! 14 is a bit young to sport that much facial hair. I told him that grandma was coming, so he had better shave:D

My little guys are awake now. They will be the hardest to say goodbye to because they still cry when I cry. Roman came into my room last night and kept me company while I was packing. He is the emotional one out of all of my boys, and he cried last night a bit, and had some questions about what it would be like where I was going. He started crying about Thanksgiving, saying it wouldn't be the same without me. I told him that we would have our own Thanksgiving when I came back. He said that he was going to get the wishbone from the turkey and make a special wish for me. Damn these tears!

My flight leaves around noon and I will arrive in Ft. Lauderdale around 6:00 p.m. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I get to the hotel. It is going to be hard for me to sleep. I guess that I will overdose on fashion magazines, because once I get to Renfrew, they don't allow you to have those. I also plan on calling friends and family and making people talk to me, cause holy shit! I'm scared. :0
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