Grief

When I was at Renfrew, they were always telling us that it was not about the food, but I never really could grasp that concept while I was there. It felt like it was about the food! The food was actually the easiest part of treatment. There really was not a choice for me there but to eat the food. I could have been a rebel, and refused to eat. Sometimes I wanted to be a rebel, but I care too much what other people think, so, I was the "good patient." The hardest part of treatment was all of the feelings that surfaced once I really started to feed my body. Feelings that I had masked with the eating disorder would seemingly come from nowhere, and that is the part that I struggled with. Now that I am home , the food is much harder. It is harder than I thought it would be. That is okay though. I'm up for the fight! I have been feeling a deep sadness, but I wasn't exactly sure what was causing it until I saw my therapist on Monday. She suggested that maybe I was grieving over the rape, and I wanted to cry because yes, I am grieving. She said that she would help me through that process, and I will definitely need it. I know that I have to feel the sorrow so that I too can feel the joy.