I Continue

"Forgiving is one thing, but abuse survivors should never be expected to forget. We heal through compassion. We forgive through the practice of patience. We love by honoring the pain, and learning to love ourselves. This is hard work..."

I wrote these words on a facebook comment, 

and my therapists voice echoed in my ears. 

I heard her say, 

"You should read your own words." 

It was her nice way of saying, 

"Get it together!" 

I have many wise words, 

and yet I don't always apply these words of wisdom to myself. 

I will cut myself some slack, 

and acknowledge that writing it out is my first step. 

I work through everything at what feels like a snails pace, 

and it frustrates me to no end! 

Healing isn't linear, 

and I've expressed this many times, 

because I'm the one who needs reminding. 

My preferred pace would have been to be done with this nonsense after a few therapy sessions and a few meals. 

Recovery doesn't work that way, 

and even I realize that a lifetime of starving and denial is going to take at least half as many years to work through. 

I'm not sure how this works, 

so I sink and I rise, 

over and over.

This pain...

 I've given up more times than I can count. 

I also continue just as many times. 

I continue...

"We are an ancient sort of resilient. Made for the falling and the rising. Made for rose colored glasses and honeyed lips and finding new home in another. Made for the burning down and rebuilding from ashes. Made for the holy wonder of beginning again."

~ Jeanette LeBlanc