Tuesday, April 6, 2010


"This heavy heart is lightened and I sing."

I'm struggling to eat this week because I don't have much of an appetite. I don't always pay attention to my hunger cues, because for so long, I have ignored them. Empty is what feels normal and comfortable for me. It is also hard for me at work. I still find it difficult to eat in front of other people, so I just need to challenge myself more. I forgot my Boost and V8 Fusion drinks today, so I didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch. I'm sick of them though, so I'm going to make myself a sandwhich and take it to work for lunch tomorrow. Sitting down to eat it will be the challenge. I will let you know how it goes. My nutritionist has been pushing me to pack a lunch for work for a long time, so I will be excited to tell her that I finally did it.

Tomorrow is a therapy day. I'm supposed to try to take in my journal entry, but I honestly don't think that I will be able to yet. Every time I think about it, I almost start to cry. It is such a painful memory that I cannot even imagine telling anyone about it. The first time I told my therapist about the sexual abuse, I made her turn around so that she couldn't see me say all of those horrible things. I felt such shame and humiliation. These memories make me feel the same way. I hope that one day those feelings will go away. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I was only a little girl. Sometimes even looking at little girls is hard for me. They break my heart.

In between all of this though, is happiness. I'm feeling better about myself, and what I've accomlished so far. I'm doing hard work. I think that eventually I will be able to tell my therapist what is in my journal. I know that ultimately it will be freeing. I just have to gather the courage and strength. I know that I have it in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.


Ferd said...

The cool thing is that bringing these shameful secrets out into the light takes away a lot of the shame. I don't know why that happens, it just does. If you trust your therapist, take little risks, and give up some of these shameful thoughts and memories. It will probably be helpful, I think you know that. And then little by little, you might be able to dig deeper and share more.
No one is able to share everything right at the start. You are doing great just going to your therapist! Awareness and willingness... that's all it takes, and you have them!

Paula said...

You are doing great. In our "position" it is very difficult to say what happens. As you already experience and feel how freeing it is, maybe you rely on this freeing feeling and step by step you can open up more. When I went through CBT to ork through my sexual abuse I was sitting there for 8 weeks without opening my mouth - my t. just sit there with me. Best thing she has done. After 8 weeks I strated talking.... we all have your personal way, you will go yours, step by step. Turning little steps into milestones. Hugs to you.

clean and crazy said...

you sound healthy and honest. i am glad to hear you are trying those weird shakes!!

has your therapist ever talked to you about mindfullness? ask her about it if she hasn't mentioned it. that guy Eckhart Tolle did that book on it and everyone is really liking it, but it has been around for 1000's of years. it is about learning to be aware of yourself, like how you said you don't even realize you are hungry, maybe that will help, it helped me be aware of my anger and some other issues. but i could see myself getting angry and stopped myself. i exercised control of myself. anyway it is worth a shot to help you remember not to forget to eat!!

but like i said you sound so good even if you have skipped a meal you are aware of it and trying to do something different and that is awesome, you rock!!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

Angela, the fact that you are feeling happy about what you accomplished is wonderful. I am so happy for you. I think the sandwich is a great idea. Just start small and you'll feel much better. I want to see more beautiful poetry from you :)

Ann said...

You've got a good positive attitude going and that will get you far. I don't blame you for being bored with the boost and v8 I can't eat the same thing all the time I get really bored with it very easy.

Nicole said...

I am so proud of you for deciding to challenge yourself by eating in front of others. I wish you luck and I know that you can do it!

*hugs* I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much pain in connection with your memories. Don't worry, when you are ready, your therapist will be right there to listen and to help you through this darkness.

I'm sending you all my love and keeping you in my thoughts <3