Therapy was hard today, in a way that I cannot even explain here, but we talked about secrets and shame. I tend to carry those two things around with me wherever I go. It is exhausting, and yet I can't seem to let them go. I have told my therapist so many things that I could never say out loud before, and out loud is a hard thing for me. Using my voice is a hard thing.
Anyway, I wrote a poem a long time ago to my therapist, when I was still afraid to trust her with my secrets, and that is something that I'm still working on. Here it is...
Secrets
I'm afraid all of the time.
I wonder what you hide.
No one is who they say they are.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Who can I trust
with all that I am?
For so long you have seen
what I want you to see,
or so I thought.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
To be me.
Alive.
So I give all of my secrets away.
To hold like a wish in your hands.
A deep breath...
And then gone...
Angela Minard 2007©
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6 Comments:
Beautifully done!
It takes so much energy to keep those secrets, and to always be on guard. And the shell we build around ourselves keeps us insulated from people, from living.
I'm grateful for the special people in my life who were there to help me crack the shell, to listen, to advise, and proved worthy of my trust.
Angela,
Beautiful poem... :)
Ah, "Secrets"... "Our secrets keep us sick..." My group therapist said this daily & it's true. If we hold them in, they can literally make us SICK (depression, anxiety, stomach problems, etc.) BUT they also skew our perception & keep us lodged. If we hold our secrets in, we do not have room for growth.
I learned during my Group Therapy that a HUGE factor for me was “Shame”. I didn’t realize or KNOW the amount and depth of shame that I held. I somehow felt that everything that I had chosen or that I did, or every situation I was in was MY FAULT because it was all based upon my CHOICES, however, I learned that with the life skills that I was taught as a child, it’s NO WONDER that I made the choices I did.
It is so hard… But if we push through the hard days, we will get better days & we will break patterns…
It is good to let go of the secrets -- I think darkness gives them power. But I also understand how hard it can be.
We are as sick s our secrets...... be patient with yourself. You didnt get that sick over night, it takes time to change too. Hugs, paula
Dear Angela,
A beautiful poem. Go step by step, don't rush. Too many secrets revealed at a time can bring you too much pressure. You are on a good way, keep walking that way!
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