Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Curves Of A Woman

I want to recover from this eating disorder, but with recovery also comes the body of a woman, the curves of a woman, and that terrifies me. The other day I was walking out of Target when a pickup truck with a few men drove by. "Nice ass," one of them hollered out the window as I pushed my cart through the crosswalk. There is a certain safety that I feel when I'm invisible feeling that somehow comforts me, and I don't have that anymore. Now I feel like the target of depraved men in trucks. This vulnerability is leading me to choose restriction rather than food more often than not, and I can see no way around my own ambivalence. I was no safer in the body of a child, so why do I do this to myself?


MrsMenopausal said...

Unfortunately, no matter what size a woman is they are still subjected to the views, words, and actions of the occasional idiot out there who feels it's their right to comment on a woman's body/appearance. And though probably no comfort to know that you may be noticed no matter what you look like, please don't let it be about the words of some thoughtless male that thwarts your progress in recovery. I know that it's much more intricate a matter than my words can allay but it is my hope you file the actions of those kinds of people where they belong and keep the focus were it belongs ... on yourself and your recovery, your strength and your goals. Hang in there.

The Speaker said...

You are beautiful, and strong and all these thoughts and feelings about being safer are just Claudia's tricks to keep you where she wants you. Right? I mean we all know logically that it doesn't matter what size we are, we are still able to become targets. The nasty members of the male species who said that to you are perverted and insecure. You are stronger than they are. Of course, logical mind and feeling mind never agree and that is just one reason why you and I struggle with eating disorders to begin with...but YOU CAN DO THIS. I LOVE YOU.

PS: I finished the final cover this morning. It IS NOT WHAT I EVER expected it to be and it is VERY simple (unlike everything else I tried to do)- but it says more than anything else I've worked with. If I ever find the "perfect" second cover, I will mail it to you? In the meantime- I will see Jenny on the 30th of June. Is she next in line?

Remember how beautiful you are.
I love you.

ssgreylord said...

Thank you for your honesty and for sharing something that has to be a painful, challenging process.

Although it's no fun being the target of these goofy men, it is much better than shrinking away (literally) in the shadows.

Really, I know you have the strength to face these comments. It shows in your writing. Just keep walking and ignore them. After all, the funny thing is that the comments are meant to be a compliment. (Not that it's excusable and not that I don't respect your sense of privacy).