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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Feelings Of Power

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I had therapy yesterday, and today I see my nutritionist. Food has been hit or miss, and I'm mainly sticking with the foods that I feel safe eating. I haven't been eating dinner with the family as much as I should be. I come home and make a smoothie, and call that dinner. Weekends seem to be better, but during the week, I have a difficult time, and I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe it is because it is so much busier during the week, and I don't make as much time to eat. I did eat lunch at work this week though, so I definitely have my good moments. I'm great at making excuses, but the fact is that I'm terrified. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. It almost makes me want to cry, and I wish that I could get past it. I feel like I've failed everytime that I eat, as if denying myself food somehow makes me a stronger, better person. In therapy we talked about being afraid to look like a woman, or to be viewed in a sexual way. I think that is how the eating disorder started. It was a way of being able to take control over my own body because other people had taken that away from me. Now, I have no idea why I'm still hanging on to it, when it no longer serves a purpose. It is like I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. I feel powerful when I can control my body, and that feeling of power is a hard thing to give up. My therapy assignment for this week is to find other things that make me feel powerful.

4 Comments:

Glenna Frazier said...

Hi Angela,

Good luck with your assignment. How about how successful your blog is. And the inspiration that is is for other people. That's very powerful.

And how about being sought after for the inspiration that you provide and not being sought after by someone trying to control you. That's also powerful.

Angela said...

Thank you Glenna. Using my voice is something that makes me feel powerful. I've never thought of this blog as being an inspiration for other people, so thank you for saying that. It makes me feel very good:)

Take care!

Wanda's Wings said...

We use what helps use feel in control. Safe hugs,my friend.

Angela said...

Ann, I'm so sorry about your daughter. You are right about the control, and it is hard to give up and let go of.
Sending you hugs:)

Wanda~ Thanks for your hugs, and sending one right back!