Monday, January 7, 2008


I'm not sure what to say about my day today. I'm just glad that it is over. I couldn't seem to get out of my own way. My anxiety paralyzed me and I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Everyone at work was so incredibly kind and wonderful. I felt genuinely loved and missed, and all I could think was why? What have I done to deserve any of it? I went to see my therapist right after work, and she asked me why I felt that I had to earn affection. It is frustrating because it is just how I feel and I want to change it, but it is just a huge amount of effort right now. So, I've decided that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I can't do it all at once. I have to focus on taking care of my body, and following my food plan because the desire to restrict is so strong. Stronger than maybe it has ever been before. I don't love myself right now, and that is okay because I'm still learning, and it takes time. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard and accept where I am at the moment.