Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Befriending Fear

I feel more than uncomfortable in my own skin right now, and I'm trying to figure out why today more than yesterday. I've reached what my team feels is a healthy weight. Do I feel comfortable at this weight? NO, I DO NOT! The urge to restrict is huge. I went back to work today, and was very nervous seeing people that I hadn't seen all summer, so I would expect that has something to do with it. Would anyone notice or comment directly on my weight gain? I was and still am very anxious about that, although my nutritionist and I have practiced what I will say if that does happen, and that is, " Yes, I have gained weight, and thank you for noticing. I have been working very hard on gaining some weight for health purposes."
That didn't happen today, but just in case it eventually does, I'm prepared. To be honest though, I'm not at all prepared emotionally for that event. I'm not even sure at the moment if I can maintain this weight. I hate how this weight feels so much, that I actually feel disgusted with myself.
Every day since my mom left, I have been walking on the treadmill, which can be a problem for me. I have been really good at limiting myself to a half hour. This morning, while I was walking, my mp3 player crapped out on me, and I couldn't get it to come back on. I finished walking, although without music, I really hate it, figuring that it just needed to be recharged. I came home this evening and it still wouldn't turn on. I thought I was going to have a major melt down over having to exercise without music. Luckily, my husband figured out that it just needed to be reset, so he was spared a major tantrum, but the point is, that I can feel the obsession beginning. I don't want to have to stop, because I want to be toned and healthy, but I don't want to be a slave to it either. I'm just afraid that I know myself too well, and if I miss a morning of working out, then that will lead to restricting, and the vicious cycle begins all over again. I make it about the weight, when logically, I know that it's not about the numbers on a scale. I'm afraid, and when I'm afraid, I try to control the fear by numbing myself to it. This time though, I'm going to try befriending the fear, instead of fleeing into the arms of my eating disorder. I suppose that I will do that one meal at a time, and one day at a time. I have to keep on reminding myself to stay here and now, here and now...


Sunny said...

Angie, this blog post is wonderful...even though I know you probably don't feel that it is. You are recognizing things so well!!! I mean seriously. You know yourself so much better now than you did a year ago. You are more in control than you were a year ago as well and I can tell by the strength I hear in your words. How you're seeing things before they happen and are able to make the changes necessary to stop negative activity from occuring or continuing. It's awesome!

You know, I really don't think others notice our weight like we think they do. I know it has not been a big deal for me seeing others...well, I mean not a big deal as far as they haven't made comments about my weight. It was a big deal for me to go back to Macy's after being gone for so long, because I feared the same thing you are now. I think I was afraid because I was obsessed with the weight issue, but it doesn't seem to be a universal thing.

Funny though, I do proudly tell people I've gained weight. :) It's so weird and I never EVER thought I'd get to that point!

Remember what you said in a previous blog about not acting on the "disgust," but living with it...give your new body a chance. It's healthy and likely stronger than ever....give it a chance to show you what wonderful things it is capable of. :)


Angel said...

Thank you for this! You are right that I'm recognizing the behaviors before they happen. I guess I was too busy beating myself up for even having the thoughts to restrict and over exercise. I'm glad that you pointed that out. I feel much better now. This is why you are one of my most cherished friends!
Love you<3

Jennifer said...

It takes a lot to "be" with an uncomfortable feeling without resorting to old behaviors.

Sunny said it so much better than I can, though, especially since she's known you a while. Your feelings are a sign of progress!

Lisa said...

I've gained some weight too, and so far I've been successful at thinking of it in a positive light (yay boobs!). But I'm concerned about people making comments, too - I just don't know how I'm going to react. The only advice I can give is to keep your support network close. They're the ones who are going to understand how these "compliments" can seriously mess with your head.

Mrs. B said...

I think that is an amazing sign of healing--that you recognize what that behavior is. I am dealing with my 15 yr d--I know the battle you are going through--sometimes it is 5 minutes at a time, you give me insight into what is going on her head through the process. What an amazing mom you must be!!

beautifuldreamer said...

Staying in the here and now can be so hard to do, but as everyone else has said so well, you do see what you're doing and not just mindlessly acting out in old, habitual ways.

I'm happy for you, for the progress you've made. You may not feel you've come far, but even baby steps will get you somewhere because they keep you in motion.

onangelwings said...

Body image! I hear your pain. I was a victim of sexual abuse and also had an eating disorder.

Kudos to you for facing your demons and fighting it out.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are brave enough to share these exact same thoughts with your therapist, or that she has access to this blog.

Angel said...

I shared this post with my therapist last night.