Friday, October 23, 2009

Setting Goals


It has been a wet and cool autumn so far, here in Kansas.
I'm off of work for a nice long weekend, and the break from school, and autism feels nice. Yesterday the house was filled with the smell of freshly baked apple crisp, and all of my boys were home, and thrilled to be eating it. It is one of the things that they often ask me to make for them. I loved spending the day with them, and being home with my husband. Today, I do have to work from home for a bit. I'm preparing a presentation at work on something called "The Theory Of Mind," which is a term used for individuals who have a difficult time being empathetic or putting themselves in someone else's shoes. People with autism often have difficulties with this aspect of socialization. I've been procrastinating all month, so now I really need to finish it this weekend. Work has really been good lately. The student that I'm working with has shown some major improvements, and I also received an awesome evaluation from my supervisor. She said that I showed lots of expertise, insight, and initiative. Reading those words made me feel so good. I worry so much about my performance at work, and how others perceive me. I will take all of the self esteem building I can get!
Therapy this week felt overwhelming. We talked about the rape dream, and how I couldn't fight back. At other times when I've had this dream, I could fight them off, so we talked about why this time was different, and my therapist said, "It is because you are starving yourself." That shocked me, and also the word "starve" felt so harsh, although I know that is what I'm doing. It made sense to me, and made me aware of how much power I take away from myself when I allow the eating disorder to take over my life. I need to eat... something so basic, but it needs to happen. My assignment for yesterday was to eat three times, even if they were only snack sized portions. I realized that I like having a goal, but that the eating disorder is what usually sets my goals, so it was nice to have someone else set the goal for me, and I did it. I ate three times. That is something that I haven't done since school started. I had a yogurt in the morning, an apple in the afternoon, and a few bites of apple crisp, and three jalapeno poppers in the evening. I know it still isn't a lot of food, but if it starts to get me out of the habit of totally skipping meals, that would be a huge thing for me. I'm also off to a good start for today, with breakfast already covered. Wish me luck, and wishing everyone a wonderful autumn weekend!


Ann said...

Best of luck to you, I know you can do it. It sounds like you really know your stuff when it comes to work so give yourself some credit, you deserve it.
The apple crisp sounds good, I may have to make some.

clean and crazy said...

you are off to a good start, my food diary has been helping a lot, though i don't remember to write everything down, i think about it and it helps, crazy huh, anyway these past two weeks i have lost 3 pounds!! i am very optimistic, pl;us it is the weekend so i may have carbs!!

Zan said...

sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders! Good luck with the presentation, I find the Theory of Mind very interesting. Studied some of it last year.
And good luck with the goal of eating. You can do it!

Anonymous said...

My partner happened to have this blog open when I read your last post. I am a complete stranger to you, (lol dont get frightened I am thousands of miles away) and just reading this allowed me feel I go insight into your personality. Stupid you may think, but I have a knack of knowing people from their words quite quickly. To me you appear to be a most concerned genuine person, who gives a lot and wants to help those around her. Yet your eyes do not seem to be able to see yourself through the eyes of others, you fill yourself with self-doubt and incorrect impressions. USe the eyes of someone that is close to you that you trust, and let their truth be your true guide as currently you cant rely on your own. I have no doubt that others see you as a beautiful caring person most deserving of love, and possibly some extra flesh on your bones lol. Go with that truth, believe in the eyes of someone you trust, and you will find then after some time, you will come to believe in yourself more and will learn that your original self-esteem has errors caused not by who you are but rather by how you were treated by others. Hugs smile and have a good day

PJ said...

how wonderful angela! keep telling yourself that you deserve to be healthy, happy, and loved, and it will be. tell your eating disorder that you are in control and you are going to eat. tell your nightmares to go away, you are a survivor and they can't hurt you. believe my friend and it will be. much love to you...hugz!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You are certainly on the right track with the perfect mindset. I am so happy for you, keep it up.

Ruth said...

Hey Angela, sounds like you're doing awesome! I have heard that it's possible to take control of your dream while it's happening and change what's going on, maybe you could figure out some way to do that. It sounds like you had an awesome time making the apple crisp and being with the kids--I love to cook too (so much so I've got the opposite problem as you, I'm about 80 lbs overweight!)

I do have an Autism-related question for you though, my son has Asperger's and his therapist once told me she thinks I have it too. I know that kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders can get social skills therapy in school, but I'm wondering what the equivalent treatment might be for adults. I've been thinking that a drama class or theater workshop might be helpful and would be interested to hear if you have any ideas. (I may have asked before, sorry I forgot what the response was!)

Angel said...

Ruth, you are on the right track with an acting class. Role playing is a wonderful way for those with Asperger's Syndrome to gain social skills.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it:)

American Idiot said...

It sounds like you have a stressful job, so I am sure the little break was needed!

Also, congratulations on your great review, that is fantastic. I understand what you mean about always worrying about your job performance too!

Angel said...

Thank you for all of your comments. I always love to hear positive feedback:)
Wishing you all a wonderful week!