All That Lingers

Artwork ~Dream Walking 1968 by Imogen Cunningham

 

"That I Would Be Good"

"That I would be good even if I did nothing

That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds"

 

These lyrics sum up how I'm feeling right now. The feeling of being unworthy and undeserving is desperately a part of me. Hanging on to the eating disorder has become part of my identity. The healthy part of me can often feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I run into people who have only known me as thin and I feel shame. I'm afraid of the womanly part of myself. I remember the surprise of puberty, the betrayal of my body and the sexuality that came along with it. It is the past that lingers. I let go and hang on, I move forward and fall back. The frustration of longing for numbness..a respite from grief.

 

“You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.” 

 

~E.E. Cummings