Control

Artwork by David Agenjo

 

It was pointed out to me in therapy the other day that when I'm engaging in eating disorder behaviors, I lose my voice. I stop writing, and I stop communicating with people. This week I've eaten three things; a bowl of oatmeal with raisins, an apple, and a handful of tortilla chips. I'm not sure what is driving this latest foray into restriction. Of course I turn it into being about my weight, when I've had enough therapy to know that isn't what it is about. It doesn't matter what I logically know when the voice in my head tells me that I need to lose weight. I don't know what it is that I'm avoiding feeling, and I suppose I won't know until I start eating again. It is ridiculous the amount of time that it is taking to write this post. I'm not thinking clearly, I'm weak, and I don't feel well at all. You would think that in itself would be enough motivation to eat, and yet the other side of anorexia is the feeling of power and control that comes with restriction. The truth is that mostly I'm blank and empty, and that comes as a relief because otherwise I live with so much fear and worry that it becomes overwhelming. "I'm not good enough." "I don't deserve to eat." Those two phrases dance around in my head, at home for so long that I rarely question or give them a second thought.

 

I started writing this yesterday. I'm embarrassed that I'm slipping, and the confusion that I feel is so frustrating. I tried to explain to my husband how important it is to me to feel like I have control over something in my life. My body is mine...It is the only thing I can control...