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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Control



Artwork by David Agenjo
 
It was pointed out to me in therapy the other day that when I'm engaging in eating disorder behaviors, I lose my voice. I stop writing, and I stop communicating with people. This week I've eaten three things; a bowl of oatmeal with raisins, an apple, and a handful of tortilla chips. I'm not sure what is driving this latest foray into restriction. Of course I turn it into being about my weight, when I've had enough therapy to know that isn't what it is about. It doesn't matter what I logically know when the voice in my head tells me that I need to lose weight. I don't know what it is that I'm avoiding feeling, and I suppose I won't know until I start eating again. It is ridiculous the amount of time that it is taking to write this post. I'm not thinking clearly, I'm weak, and I don't feel well at all. You would think that in itself would be enough motivation to eat, and yet the other side of anorexia is the feeling of power and control that comes with restriction. The truth is that mostly I'm blank and empty, and that comes as a relief because otherwise I live with so much fear and worry that it becomes overwhelming. "I'm not good enough." "I don't deserve to eat." Those two phrases dance around in my head, at home for so long that I rarely question or give them a second thought.
 
I started writing this yesterday. I'm embarrassed that I'm slipping, and the confusion that I feel is so frustrating. I tried to explain to my husband how important it is to me to feel like I have control over something in my life. My body is mine...It is the only thing I can control...

6 Comments:

Mom said...

Donn and I have always known when you don't communicate that you're in a dark place again. This seems to happen more when you have to go back to work. Baby, if you have control when you're not eating, don't you also have control when you do eat? We love you. Mom

Wanda's Wings said...

Dear one you have to take care of yourself. You are losing control by not eating. You are weak and confused and can not do the things you love like writing. I have really grown to care about you and I worry when the eating disorder voices are so strong. I am not trying to upset you I just care.

Angela said...

I feel like I have more control over what my body looks like when I don't eat. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, I'm hating the way my body looks. I know it doesn't make sense...

Wanda, you are not upsetting me. I appreciate the care:)

Angie Rayfield said...

Oh, the tricks that our minds play on us! The rational part of our head is standing there, explaining things calmly in such a soothing voice, while the other part of our mind is lying on the floor, kicking its little feet, hands over its ears screaming "Lalalalalalalalala I can't hear you!"

I wish I had a magic wand, or even some magic words, that could make that little screaming demon hush up and behave himself. I know it's not that easy. But just let your mind know that over here in the corner is a little chubby cheerleader waving a sign with your name on it, yelling "Go, Angie, Go!"

Nicole said...

I’m sorry you are struggling right now, Angie. I find that whenever I have to adjust to a new routine, my first impulse is always to restrict. Maybe it’s because we are seeking some kind of familiar feeling in order to drown out the anxiety that inevitably comes with a shift in routines. But you and I both know that the ED only provides a false sense of security and restriction won't give us strength. True strength and wellbeing comes when we fight against the ED and take care of ourselves.

Don’t be embarrassed about this slip and don’t lose hope. Once you become familiar with your new routine and get settled into the new school year, the anxiety should lessen.

Have faith in yourself and your voice, and keep fighting back against your ED. Angie, you are such a strong, beautiful, amazing person and you will make it through this. Be patient with yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sending all my love <3<3<3
Nicole

Angela said...

Yes, I do think the change in routine is playing a part. I'm sure I will adjust and everything will be fine. Thank you for believing in me :)