Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Up And Out

Artwork by Rodrigo Enrique
It is time to find words, to use words. I find myself crying over every little thing today...for eating a small amount of dinner even though I hadn't eaten all day, because I got an $120.00 ticket for not totally stopping at a red light when turning right, for feeling ineffective at work, for crying over the fact that my son needed to buy a rose for his girlfriend to take to school for homecoming, and not having money. Luckily Dave had a few dollars in his pocket. My medication is expensive. I'm afraid my therapist will give up on me, and that the fact that smaller jeans elate me, make me feel like a failure, and yet I still hate my body. How and why do I find myself in this hopeless place? I hate writing this because I don't want anyone to know.
I read an article about anorexia becoming a habit that is difficult to break after so many years of restriction. I cannot even remember a time when I didn't worry about my weight. I cannot seem to stop this perpetual cycle of destruction. My hip has been hurting all summer, and I worry that it is my osteoporosis or arthritis. I'm beginning to limp and I ignore the pain. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I'm putting it off. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do yoga. I'm sorry for this negative rant about everything that is wrong with my life. I can tell that my husband is frustrated with me. I know he is going to have the talk about not being able to do it all, and yet I'm so weary and weighed down. I'm sinking into quicksand. If I was alone I wouldn't hurt and worry everyone. I go through my days at work smiling, when really I'm a ball of anxiety. The other day I took two trazadone hoping to ease my nerves and ended up being sick and not being able to function the next day.  My psychiatrist said I could take that amount but I guess one is all I can handle. It is my choice to eat, to pull myself up and out. Up and out...


Megs said...

I think this is the first time I've commented on your blog (though I've been reading for awhile) -- you have such a gift for writing.

Thank you for choosing to be vulnerable and share these words -- so many of them, I can relate to...the feeling so weary, the sensation of drowning but knowing you have to keep moving forward, up, and out, the relentless gnawing of an eating disorder, the fear about a therapist giving up on me. Truly, thank you for sharing b/c so much of what you wrote resonates right now. Your struggles are not in vain. You are not alone. Best of luck in pulling yourself up and out - hopefully you have friends & family who will reach out a hand to help you get up and out. Believing in you,

Wanda's Wings said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. It really sounds like you might need a bone density test to check your hips. I really wish I could help you more but I will listen and let you vent. Take care.

Angela said...

Thank you for commenting. It means a lot to me :)

Wanda, I've had a bone density test, and know that I have osteoporosis. I'm just scared that there is something permanantly wrong with my hip. Thank you for all of your support and care!

Sunny Wagner said...

Love you, Angie.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time right now. I understand...and if you need anything, please reach out.

Love you lots.

Mom said...

We're here if you need us. We have always been and will always be. Just a Skyp away. Mom

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry that you have had such a difficult week, Angie. I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots and lots of love your way <3<3<3

I will always believe in you.

All my love <3