Monday, July 13, 2015

The Weight of Fear

I swallow more tears than I shed. 
It is rare for me to have a "good" cry, and I'm being sarcastic when I say that. It is not that I don't cry at all. I almost cry a lot! I feel the tears forming, and I do everything I can to keep them in. 
Because of this, I'm beginning to feel the weight of holding it all inside. There is nothing wrong with my life. I am probably the happiest I have ever been, but even so, my heart races, I have sudden panic attacks, and I become scared of everyone, even the people I adore the most. I do my best to hide these fears, because I understand how irrational they are. Hiding your feelings is a death sentence, or at least it is for me. I build fear like a fortress surrounding myself, and then, to tear it down, I set myself on fire. I'm quite the expert, except that I used to be so numb that I didn't recognize the chaos and damage I was creating in the process of trying to kill the pain. The last time I cried was toward the end of a yoga class over a year ago, and I could feel it coming. I fled to the studio bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably, half hoping that no one would notice, but a dear friend watched me leave class. I crouched down in the stall, unsure of exactly why I was so emotional, but when she wrapped her arms around me, I felt comforted, and more than that, understood, without explanation. I was grateful for her quiet presence. 
Crying alone is lonely! 
In therapy sessions, I try to hold it in even more, because I know I will not be comforted. I suppose they are trained to just sit there and stare at you, saying nothing, and waiting for you to stop. I'm sure it is all about boundaries, or maybe I'm supposed to learn how to self soothe. It is not that my therapist isn't caring, because she is, but it feels awkward.  

I almost cry in yoga all of the time! I understand the emotional need for release, but I feel ashamed of any emotion that I have labeled in my mind as negative. Maybe if I cried more, I would panic less? It is worth a try, I suppose!, so if you see me in tears, simply smile and give me a thumbs up, or even an encouraging hug. I most likely have no idea why I'm crying. Perhaps it is only the left over weight of fear...


Kim Dalen said...

I think there is something healing about letting the tears flow, especially for those of us who trained ourselves to keep those tears in for so long, good or bad ones. Proud of you!

Angela said...

I agree with you Kim, but it sure is hard to let go of the old messages. Thank you for the encouragement!