The Secrets Of A Fool

I'm in a fog right now, and probably have no business writing, but my thoughts need a home, so here I am. This evening I had a therapy session and a nutritionist appointment. I went tonight with the belief that I was headed in the right direction toward recovery. I may have fooled myself, but my treatment team was far from fooled. My nutritionist feels that I am headed toward a serious relapse if I cannot gain control of all of my destructive behaviors, and she is right. I already feel too deep to dig myself out. One by one the behaviors creep in, sometimes one replacing another, until once again I am lost inside the safe white noise of my eating disorder. The obsessions begin, the secrets and lies, and I cannot find my way out. I continue to disappoint myself and others, and knowing this, the sadness is crushing me.