Thursday, January 10, 2008

Temper Tantrums and Anger

This week has been really hard for me. I'm settling back into work with no problems. My job has always been the one place in my life where I feel confident in my abilities. I'm just really struggling with all of the emotions that are surfacing. I'm actually quite terrified of them, so of course, I try to avoid feeling or dealing with them. Because of this, I'm having a difficult time eating everything that is on my meal plan. I feel like I weigh too much, but intellectually, I also know that this is how the eating disorder tries to take over. My nutritionist tried to reassure me over the phone this morning that I'm not even close to weighing too much, but I find it so hard to believe. Recovery is so much harder than I thought it would be. One of the feelings that I'm trying to avoid right now is anger. I feel like kicking and screaming, and just throwing a huge temper tantrum over the whole thing. I'm angry at myself for putting up such a fight over recovery now that I'm home. I still feel angry with that little girl inside of me. I don't sympathize with her, and I don't find her lovable. I know that I need to get there, but I'm not sure how to find my way to that place. All I feel is anger that she wants to be comforted. I also feel a sadness because I just can't give that to her yet. I'm on the verge of tears most of the time, but I'm unable to shed them. I have anxiety over the fact that I know that they will come eventually. They will come, and then what? I'm afraid to find out.


Anonymous said...

You know you can call me at anytime, I will be a good listener if you need one. But, you know, I will crack a few jokes because that is who I am and it will put a smile on your face.It might take your mind to other things. Be strong and I love you.


Angel said...

Thank you. I know that you are a good listener, and you always make me smile! I will call you, and I love you too:)

Anonymous said...

Anger is a part of the grieving process. It is OK and necessary to feel what you feel. Hang in there girl, you're gonna make it!