Falling

Wednesday evening, before I saw my therapist, I stopped at the liquor store and bought a six pack of Mike & Ike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, and proceeded to drink all of them throughout the rest of the night. Why? I don't really know. I made a concious choice that day, not to eat, and instead, to drink. I was feeling so tired of all of the anxiety that I had been feeling. I just wanted not to feel it anymore, so I took the easy way out. Now though, all that I feel is disappointment and shame. I talked to my therapist the next day, and told her that I had been drinking. She said that this is the part of recovery when the eating disorder really kicks in, hanging on for dear life, and that is where my obsession with weight, calories, and restriction is coming from. Through each part of the recovery process, I have been saying to myself, "This is the scariest part", and then something scarier comes along. I'm just so tired. I want to give up, but I'm afraid to give up. Nothing is making much sense. My therapist is out of town this week, and I feel lost just knowing that she is not nearby. I feel very dependent upon her right now, and it is hard not to turn that into feelings of abandonment. Especially when I feel like I deserve for everyone to leave me. I know that Dave is disappointed in me. I'm worthless,I let everyone down, and that makes it so easy to want to give up on myself. So, how do I pick myself back up when I have fallen? In the words of my therapist,"There is no such thing as perfection in recovery." I know this, and yet...I know that I must say no to giving up. That is not me. Stumbling is allowed, it just always takes me by surprise.