Thursday, February 7, 2008

The "Shoulds"

I have really been struggling with isolation, and my confusion with the desire to just hide away from the world. I'm doing great in so many ways, and yet I feel sad, lost, and afraid. I know that I question my feelings when there really is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. The "shoulds" get in my way, and frustrate me. I think that I should be feeling all of these wonderful feelings because of all of the progress I have made, so I feel guilty because I don't feel wonderful at all, and it always ends up coming back to what a horrible person I must be. I know that I'm not a horrible person. I just want so badly to bounce through life, filled with joy, avoiding the grief and pain, when the reality is that I must feel the sadness in order to also feel the joy. Going through this grieving process is painful, and I'm not very patient with myself at all. I am really going to try to make more of an effort to be patient and accepting of where I am, and not beat myself up for where and how I think that I "should" be.