Saturday, February 2, 2008

Nightmares And Rage

I had the worst night I have had in a long time last night. I had horrible nightmares about the rape, and I would awaken from one, go back to sleep, and have another one. I finally got up and took a couple of xanax, which I just really hate to do, but it did help. The difference in my nightmares now is that I always fight back. My poor husband has been hit and kicked quite a few times here lately. A few weeks ago, he said that I yelled out,"I'm calling the police!" At least I am fighting back, although having the dreams are still very frightening, and are very triggering the next day. Today I am having flashbacks, and they come so quick that I'm not always able to catch them in time, which frustrates me. I did learn a great visualization tool that works for my flashbacks though. When they come, I just picture them as if they are being displayed on a television screen, and then I visualize myself picking up the remote control and turning the television off. It sounds so simple, but most of the time, it works for me.
Right now I feel like screaming and crying, and just pounding my head into a wall over and over again, although I'm not going to do any of that. Anger is the primary emotion that I am feeling today, and also probably the emotion that I have the hardest time dealing with. I used to direct all of that anger and rage onto myself, but I am fighting the instinct to do any type of self harm, so how do I release all of those feelings now? Maybe my dreams are the release, and they will just run their course, and time will give me my answer.