I feel so full, and full feels horrible, ugly, and the F word (FAT) that is not supposed to be a part of my vocabulary, but that is ridiculous, because it is a word that flies through my mind constantly.
My therapist has suggested that I look at what other feelings are present, and being the good patient that I am, I've done just that, and here is what I've come up with. My mom left yesterday, and I know it sounds silly, but I feel like a deserted child. I hate when people leave. Everyone is always leaving me. Even Dave's brain tumor is like the threat of abandonment that hangs over my head like a storm cloud ready to break open at any minute. I was pregnant with my first son before I was married. I know that Dave says that he would have wanted to marry me anyway, but it wasn't the way that I would have liked it to happen. My parents moved to Florida right after we were married, leaving me here with a husband and a new baby. I wasn't sure what in the hell I was doing, and I was terrified. It was time for me to grow up, but it was also a very lonely and frightening time in my life. Now my mom has left again, and she helped me so much. Those feelings of fear come back to haunt me. Fear that I will fail...but I refuse to give in to those fears. I've been keeping busy. I've walked on my treadmill the past few mornings, and today after I finished, there was a light rain outside, so I went and sat in my glider swing, and let the gentle rain soothe my mind. I have a gallon of paint left over from my bedroom, so today I'm going to paint the chair rail in my dining room with it. It should be a very pretty color in there. I'm really trying to stay focused on my health, and taking care of my mind and body, so I'm off to make myself some breakfast. I'm loving mango smoothies at the moment. Yum!
~Mango Smoothie Recipe~
1 c. fresh or frozen mangoes cut into chunks
1t. vanilla
1/2 c. ice
1/2 c. fat free vanilla yogurt
2 t. honey
1/3 c. vanilla soy milk
Blend on high for a few minutes, and enjoy:)
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10 Comments:
"Everyone is always leaving me" is a child's response. People leave us all the time. That's life. People come and go. People have lives that are not centered around our universe. You are making excuses and blaming everyone else for your fears and failures. If you can't even let go of insecurities from 17 YEARS AGO with getting pregnant, would your husband have married you anyway, why did your mom leave you with a new baby,then you are holding on way too tight to issues that are irrelevant at this point. You are looking for excuses to justify your eating disorder. Decisions made 17 years ago do not justify you starving yourself now. Life is too damn short and yours is wasting away before your eyes. Don't you think we could all give in to blaming our past for everything we are doing wrong now? That would be the easy thing to do. But at what point do you take responsiblity for your own actions and decide to live a life that you can be proud of?
I'm expressing my feelings, whether you approve of them or not. I'm not blaming anyone or even my past. It is what it is. When I keep what I feel inside, right or wrong, that is when I feel "full". Too full to eat. Acknowledging them and looking at them is the only way for me to let them go. If you noticed, I decided to go and eat after I wrote anout how I felt. If I feel sorry for my self from time to time, so be it...If you don't want to hear how I feel, then don't read my blog. I spent too many years hiding my feelings and being silent. I refuse to do that anymore. Who are you to be my judge and jury?
P.S. I am very proud of who I am, how I live my life, and the sons that I have raised.
I'm really not sure I like Anonymous....by the way. Maybe you should put a thing on here where people can't post anonymously. It might be safer than getting words of discouragement and/or cruel, criticism from those who do not understand what you're going through.....poeple like to think they have the answers when they haven't walked the same path and obviously Anonymous doesn't understand trauma or eating disorders or he/she wouldn't be saying (basically), "get over it."
Thanks for the recipe!!! I wrote it down immediately. :)
I didn't know you were pregnant before you guys got married. We have yet another thing in common. :) Well, except I got pregnant twice and never married until I married another guy about 11 years later. :) hehe. I think Dave would have married you no matter what. If not, he's a fool and from what you've said over the last year and a half, he definitely doesn't sound like a fool. :)
I can see why you might feel abandoned. I tend to feel that way after I've had family gatherings and such. In my family, talking isn't something done routinely, so I know after a gathering, we won't talk for months...sometimes years. (sometimes that's not a bad thing.hehe)
Anyway, I'm sending big hugs your way.
:)
PS....I have an idea for a bumper sticker I think Anonymous would enjoy:
"If you're reading this, you a part of the world that revolves around me."
Every woman needs it on her car. lol
If you are only wanting responses that agree with you, stroke your ego and enable you to continue down the path you are going, then I agree that it is probably best for you to eliminate the "anonymous" response option. But be careful not to assume that just because someone is challenging you, that they have not expereienced the exact same thing you are going through. I've been in your shoes. I've had to go through healing and recovery, and I only got to the other side because of people who were healthy and were able to push me. It wasn't comfortable and at times it was hard, but keeping myself in a black hole with other people in the same unhealthy place as me was not the answer. If by hearing that, you feel that you are being judged by this jury then you need to get comfortable in the place you are today, because that is where you will continue to be. Good luck with your journey. I'm sure you and Sunny will be very happy together.
My blog is open to any and all opinions, whether I agree with them or not. I don't really care for anonymous comments, but some of my loved ones leave them, and then just sign their names. I prefer to know who is reading, but I understand and respect your wish to remain anonymous. I'm not always comfortable in the place that I am, but I am trying. That is all that I can do. I'm not going to censor my blog, or worry that someone is going to watch me fail. I hope that people will come here to learn from my mistakes and triumphs...not just come to kick me when I'm feeling down.
Thought of the Day:
"Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices --- just recognize them." - Edward R. Murrow
Each and every person should have an opinion. To be fact of matter is not a bad thing but we should know when to be that way and understand the need for doing it.
I don't believe anyone can be hurt from words from those not close to us. It only opens up another opprotunity to better understand the world. We only need to care and understand the people we love.
I and (we) will never abandon the people we love the most.
I am anonymous only by name.
ANONYMOUS THE FAMOUS
I have abandonment issues too. I didn't know such a concept existed until therapy. He takes a vacation and I pout. If they need to cancel an appointment, he wants to get rid of me.
I'm getting a little better with it but still find it hard sometimes.
I think I just turned 39 what the heck is wrong with me :)
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