Tuesday, August 5, 2008

On The Dissociative Front

I really don't remember much of Sunday or Monday for that matter, due to a dissociative episode. I have no idea what even triggered it, and it is so very frustrating. My therapist received a strange e-mail from me over the weekend, so she called Dave yesterday. Dave told her that he could not get me grounded on Sunday evening at all, so she got us both of us in for an appointment yesterday afternoon, of which I remember nothing about. I guess that it must have been helpful though, because I'm back in business now...none the worse for usual. I start back to work at the end of this week, so I had better get myself back together. I have been feeling really good since I started taking the Lexapro, and my depression seems to have lifted, which is such a relief. I'm on a good exercise schedule, and though I have to really fight the urge to not over-do it, I'm managing to win that obsession. I'm also sticking with my meal plan, so it will be interesting to see where my weight is tomorrow. I hate getting weighed every week, and really have to force myself into my appointments. I'm so lucky to have a very wonderful nutritionist, so that helps a lot. I feel as if I have come a long way over the summer, and for that, I am grateful.


Sunny said...

Yes, you have definitely come a long way this summer! You're doing great.

You know, I remember when I started noticing how far I'd come, I sometimes got really scared. Maybe that sort of triggered you. Or, maybe it was something totally different. Triggers are strange, because we often don't realize we've been triggered until after. However, you're doing great learning to recognize your triggers and stop them before they start!

Anonymous said...

You should seriously consider going back to Renfrow. If you are having dissociative thoughts, flash backs and urges to jump off a roof or drive into oncoming traffic, you need to be in a facility that can care for you. I'm scared that your therapist is not being more aggressive with your treatment. You keep saying your depression has lifted but there doesn't seem to be any evidence of that. You keep circling back to your dark thoughts and feelings. I'm scared for you.

MOM said...

There you go again anonymous. I'm seriously worried about you and your obsession with only my daughters negative thoughts. I'd say your the one who needs help! Butt out and take care of yourself! She has a wonderful support group and that's what it's all about! MOM

Anonymous said...

My name is Dan and I am not associated with the first anonymous comment and don't want to get yelled at, but would like to reply as a person who has also dealt with my share of demons. I think Angel's "support group" is a good thing. Everyone needs that. But sometimes we need more then surrounding ourselves with people who will just tell us nice things and not encourage us to face the truth. This blog is very dark, sad and does not seem to be the answer to positive healing. It's an avenue to just vent and does not promote the real care that she needs. She needs more than family (who are too emotionally involved) and strangers to support her. She is crying out for help, and putting pretty pictures on a blog is not getting her the help she needs. I say all of this from experience and my heart breaks for anyone who is stuck in such a dark place.

MOM said...

If you or anonymous have read her previous blogs, you would know she has a therapist, a nutritionist, a psychiatrist(that's how she gets her medication) and the support of her family and friends. We all know the truth and we deal with it everyday. Why is it you idiots just seem to pick up on her dark moments? You never comment on her poetry or her humor, or the fact she's working so hard on herself. She's getting the help she needs and will deal with it in her own way. Your comments are especially not appreciated by me! This is her blog not yours! Find someone else to criticize or better yet take a really close look at your own motives. Her support group and therapist think she's doing quite well without you! Please have the courtesy to not write again! You do not know what you're talking about. MOM

Anonymous said...

MOM, it wasn't me!
Angie gets tremendous support from family as well as professionally. And we too get better at understanding and giving support. I have become more tuned into her almost to the point it's intuitive. As outsiders we have limits and until she, herself, breaks down those barriers we are simply cheerleaders. We're not in the game but yelling on the sidelines 'Go Angie'. She's the one doing the hard part and she still has to be a mother, wife, daughter and friend. High fives to Angie! She's a fighter and I think she's winning.

MOM said...

I so understand about the standing on the sidelines and cheering Angie on. If it could be any other way, those demons would have been gone along time ago. My daughter is a fighter, always has been. That's what has helped her to survive. I believe in her totally and know she's winnig this battle. Everyday and always in my thoughts. MOM

Lumina said...

The way I see it...

In the "olden days" (1990's) there were no "blogs." Having a computer at home was not yet like having a in almost every home. For me, my "dark moments" were recorded with paper and ink.

It is my belief, that in this day of "the blog" people are pretty much journaling and keep diaries AND with tons of COURAGE letting others in. I hid my writings back then. I lived life, as Angie is doing, with a therapist, books, friends and all it took to get me through, but I NEEDED a place to let out the "darkness." If we do not get it out of our bodies, we one, do not heal and two can become physically ill. Alanis Morisette even shared recently on The View (on this day I fell in love with her soul) that she writes the songs she does to get it all out of her body. "I get sick if I don't" she said. I understood completely.

It takes courage to share the healing process so openly the way Angie and so many do these days. Like I said I hid my much needed writings AND when I finally started sharing? Yup...had people like the Anons who thought I needed more help than I was getting. They saw nothing but "sickness."

Well, guess what? This many years later? Having allowed myself to be where I was regardlesss of how many family members thought I just "loved hanging onto the past" I have healed so much trauma and on a very deep level.

As "they" say..."The only way passed through it." I believe no one has the right to rush anyone through their healing as we all have our own way and journey.

It sounds to me like Angie has such a wonderful support team. Ten times more than I had. It seems to me like she is in good hands. No, GREAT hands.

Remember...what you are witnessing and reading her journal...her personal, yet made very public journal. And why on earth would she share you may ask? To help others heal. It is in sharing what most hide, that we enable others to "come out."

Hugs to you (and Mom) Angie. I've told you before, I admire the your courage.

Lastly, I am one who believes when someone really "pushes our buttons" there is something within us that needs looking into more deeply...and that it has nothing to do with the person we are directing our frustration at...just a thought. If one truly cared and worried, they would realize to say such things in cyberspace can be harmful and not helpful.

I understand the thought and worry that one may have about another maybe needing more of a "coach" or some "tough love," but if we are not actually in the person's life to pick up the pieces after throwing out some "coaching and tough love?" We have no right, and it is not our place to use that "tactic." THAT is reserved ONLY for those actually in the person's life. At least that is the only way I see that kind of "help" possibly having a chance. One has got to BE THERE to pick up the pieces.

On the internet? It just feels like criticism and in my opinion can be more harmful than helpful...but, I am glad to say, that I believe Angie can see it for what it is? And keep on "keepin on." :)

Angel said...

Thank you so much for your wise and kind words!

I also wanted to let you know that I received your book, and the lovely bookmark that you sent me. You are so wonderful, and truly the one who is an angel. Thank you! <3

Much love and hugs,

Lumina said...

Yay! You rec'd the book! :)

And of course you know...(I don't proofread until I hit SEND. Smart...I know...) The phrase is:

"The only way passed it, IS through it."

And there are others that I love:

"You cannot heal it, until you feel it."

"You cannot let it go, until you've held it in your hand."

"Sometimes the brightest moments, begin with the darkest hour." (hey...that one just came to me...*smile*)

Have a great weekend! :)