Sunday, August 17, 2008

Speak, Listen, Hear

I'm incapacitated by fear, and I find myself staring off into space, as if the answers will suddenly appear in front of my eyes. I don't want to take the easy way out. I don't want to be a failure to myself or to those who care about me, so what I need to do shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out. It is almost dinner time, so that is where I will start. I know that I should see my therapist tomorrow, I just feel as if there are no more words. Words to say...words to hear...I'm numb and empty. Still, I will continue to try... to speak, to listen, to hear.


Sunny said...

You're at the precipice....that's what I think, when you realize, there are no more words, no more advice. It's all in your hands now and you are recognizing that.

Don't get too hard on yourself for your hesitation and fear. Fear is a healthy feeling and you are taking valiant steps toward getting better. It is okay to step back and reassess the situation. you said, keep listening and keep fighting. What is required now is action and you're the director. :)

Love ya

Sydney's mom said...

one foot in front of the other...
that's all you have to do now.

MOM said...

We're here if you need us. Love always, Your family in East

beautifuldreamer said...

Someone once said that courage isn't the absence of fear but it's going on in spite of it (loose translation!)

Fear is a part of the healing process. It can be debilitating at times, but sometimes it can be a great motivator, pushing one to step out of a comfortable safety zone into the great unknown.

Your honesty about your fears is so essential to your healing and growth, and I commend you for being so forthright.

One step at a time is all any of us can take. And we are never alone on our journey towards healing and growth.

netta said...

people have told me many times they admire my "strength" and "courage". funny thing, but i don't feel particularly either of those. what i feel is scared, helpless, and sometimes hopeless.

but the one thing i do have, and that's perseverance, otherwise known as "stubborness." i refuse to give up. absolutely fucking refuse. i. will. not. quit. EVER.

why? because then the fuckers that hurt me in the first place, win. and that will NEVER happen, not as long as i have breath in my body. i will not give them the satisfaction.

i've only started reading you recently, and your blog and struggles have touched my heart like few do.

don't give up. even when you need to wallow, don't give up. one step at a time, that's all it takes. just think about one step. one tiny, little step -- and before you know it, you have lots of little steps behind you and things will change. please believe me.

love and love and lots of love to you.


Angel said...

Netta, you are so right! I'm the one who needs to win. Thank you for the reminder.

Much love,

Dave said...

Stubbornness is strength, we just have to learn how to use it and with strength comes courage. Angie has this but has not realized her potential to use it in a way to counteract the negative into the positive. She’s working hard on all of this and at times it wears her down. It’s always the darkest before dawn.
I admire most of the comments being made. Sometimes things are said that I, myself, want to say but can’t. Maybe I am too close to say certain things but they have to be said at some point. Thanks netta, that’s something that needs to be said.

MOM said...

Thanks Netta! MOM