Stepping Beyond The Shame

Last evening I went to my therapy session. I really didn't believe that I would be capable of listening to what my therapist had to say, but I did listen, and yes, I did hear. My therapist and nutritionist are urging me to see my primary care physician. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I was even going to blog about this because it is humiliating, and embarrassing, but I know that it is something that others suffering from eating disorders may deal with, and that is laxative abuse and dependency. I have taken laxatives for many years in order to produce a bowel movement. The longest that I have gone without taking stimulative laxatives were the thirty days that I was in treatment for my eating disorder. In treatment, they give you stool softeners and fiber, but that is it, so the entire time I was there, I was constipated and miserable. As soon as I was discharged, I got myself to the nearest Wal-greens, and, sweet relief, I have been using laxatives about once a week ever since. I know that this is ultimately damaging, so while my mom was here visiting, I tried to get off of them, and of course, ended up with the same results, which is constipation, and discomfort. My nutritionist thinks that some of my weight gain is fluid retention and possible blockage from not taking the laxatives, so even though I'm dreading this, I'm going to call my doctor and get an appointment to see her about this problem. Last Wednesday's appointment with my nutritionist really freaked me out when she said that I was continuing to gain weight on a meal plan of 1100 calories, so that was when I went back to taking the laxatives. Hopefully my doc will have a good plan for getting my system back to functioning normally. Right now, I'm really afraid of this meal plan, and have been restricting since last week. I really want recovery and health, but the increased weight is absolutely terrifying to me. I so desperately want to live a normal life, without all of these constant worries, fears, and obsessions over my weight.
Throughout this past week, my husband has been so supportive and reassuring. He has never once shown frustration, anger, or disappointment over this setback. My entire team has been patient and gentle, yet firm where they need to be. I'm so grateful that they never give up on me, even when I'm so ready and willing to quit.