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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Work In Progress

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Yesterday, all I did was sort through my hundreds of poems, and started putting them in manuscript form. I can see now why my therapist thought this project would be so beneficial, because as much pain as some of those pieces still bring me, I can also really see my growth, and how far I have come in the past few years. I can also more clearly see the areas where I still have some digging to do. We are always a work in progress though, right?

I haven't yet written what I am now calling the "forgiveness" letter to my dad. I'm not quite certain what it is that is holding me back, and I don't mean to be cruel by putting it off, although it does feel that way. I think that somehow telling him about the rape will make it all the more real, and maybe that is what I'm afraid of. I think that is why I kept it a secret so long in the first place. I do blame him for not caring enough about me to protect me and keep me safe, and then there is always the shame that I have yet to be rid of. When does that go away, and will it ever? The rational mind unfortunately has no power over the feelings. Telling about the rape did make it all the more real, and maybe this is the last step in moving on, so why is it so damn hard? I keep telling myself that I need more time, but I'm also sure that I could put it off forever. If I don't write it soon, I will give myself an official due date, because I don't want to live my life filled with guilt and regret.

Other than that hanging over my head, this has been a very enjoyable holiday break. We have gone to a couple of movies, but mostly we have just hung out at home. I can't believe that tomorrow will be New Year's Eve. We are just going to have our own little family party and stay home and celebrate together. Dave did buy some party poppers and confetti, so we do plan on going outside and causing a ruckus. Nothing too wild and crazy;-) Well, knowing me, maybe a little crazy. There will definitely be some dancing and kissing going on! I'm wishing everyone a safe and happy New Year. Cheers!

10 Comments:

Cashmere said...

Hi Angela,

Here's wishing you a Happy New Year! Hope it brings you more happiness and success in life.. :)

dday said...

I've been frequently reading your posts for a while now and I think your not that weak, your a strong person because you got the courage to tell everyone about you even though you don't know them. I salute you for doing that.May God bless you and I always believe that through prayers there is healing and healing will lead to happiness and calmness. Have a nice day Ms. Angela. Happy New Year. Remember, new year, new life. : )

kml said...

Happy New Year to you!

Congrats on your Compassionate Blogger award!

Leet said...

Hi,
May this holiday bring us new inspiration...
Wishing you happiness & health... Happy New Year 2009

Cheers, Leet

PinkLady said...

Hello Angela, Happy New Year to you and your family! I have something for you at my blog:
http://pinklady-bing.blogspot.com

I hope you claim it soon. That's my special gift for you.

Bing;)

Fhaye said...

Hi! Happy New Year!
I have chosen you to receive a Lemonade award (good attitude/gratitude)- Love your blog. Pls check my blog for further instructions. Enjoy!

Jennifer said...

Angela -- I hope the new year brings lightness and freedom for you. I am looking forward to reading your poems and hearing about your recovery.

Jennifer

david said...

yeahh... hope the time still to say happy new yearr...

Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
Congradulations on your compassionate blogger award. Well deserved. You express yourself so well that I can relate to the talking about it makes it real. I feel that way about my issues of greiving. You are where you should be, I believe that about all of us. You'll know when you are ready to write your Dad. Hope you had alot of fun on New Years.
Take Care,
Janet :)

Melinda said...

Angela,

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood--and I can tell you this. We can never forget the trauma of sexual assault--but we can most definitely overcome the hold it has over it. I know that is very true for me. I wish you peace and serenity in 2009--and hope that you and your dad can have that conversation soon--as I would imagine that could be a big piece of the healing process.

Take care,

Melinda