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Friday, October 2, 2009

Finding A Way

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This week has been exhausting, which is why I've been missing. I thought that I would get a break at work since the aggressive student was moved to a new placement, but then at the last minute, we received a new student, equally as challenging. He just moved out of a residential treatment facility, and although smaller, and not as strong, still aggressive. He has been keeping me on my toes all week. I know that I need to keep my strength up, and I know that I need to eat, but my anxiety over food has been through the roof. I almost passed out in the shower on Wednesday, and I've been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot, so I need to turn this around. This is not what I want. Since that happened, I've been trying to eat. My nutritionist made me a modified meal plan to work from. It isn't up to the calories that I should be eating, but it is a start in the right direction. I also have to call her voice mail after every meal, and let her know what I've eaten. Yesterday I didn't even come close to eating what was on the plan, but today has been better. I've managed a yogurt and half of a turkey sandwich so far. It is hard to eat when I have no appetite, and nothing sounds good, but I just have to force myself right now. The sandwich this afternoon was really hard, and I also felt so angry at myself that I have once again gotten to this point. Anyway...I don't know if I can do this, but I do know that I'm tired of living this way. I have to find a way to believe that I deserve more, no matter what the eating disorder would have me believe. I have to find a way.

11 Comments:

Mike Golch said...

bummer,sorry that work is so chalenging.

Ann said...

YES, you CAN do it. If you aren't able to believe yourself right now that you deserve more than lean on all of your readers who believe. Let all of us be the path that leads you to believe.
Get some rest and enjoy your weekend. Hope you have a better week ahead.

PJ said...

angela, i am sorry that you have had such an exhausting week, and i hope next week goes better for you. you have to do this, you are the only one that can do this! you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you deserve the best life that you can possibly have! you just have to go for it. hugz to you my friend!

Grampy said...

Angela I have been kind of lurking in the back ground just reading your post everyday.I would like you to try something. When you are having a bad week like this one. Grab that sandwich and set it beside you.Now close your eyes and think about a good time in your life. You'll be able to see someone feeding you that Turkey sandwich. In between you will laugh together.
It might be what you need.

Alice in Wonderland said...

Angela, I came across your post quite by chance, and I know exactly how you feel. I only eat one sandwich a day, and that is all that I can manage. I bet that at sometime you have done the same as me and lied about keeping your food intake journal too! At least I'm almost 7st now, so, although I'm not getting my full intake of calories, I'm putting on some weight! I take vitamin pills too as my hair was falling out and my skin was so dry. I know what you must be going through, and I wonder how many other secret anorexics or bulimic suffers are out there?
You are not alone, just keep going, and we will get there! You can mail me, if it helps.
Big hugs and good thoughts!

Ayurvedic Health Tips said...

Hi, I just happened to visit your blog and read the recent post.I am not sure if you are really having a problem or is it the way you write this blog. However I will take it that you are indeed not able to eat and with that in mind I was not able to leave your site without telling you about something very good which I am sure will not only get you appetite but also boost your moods. It works like magic and is called the king of herbs.I would be happy to help.

Miss Sara said...

Angie,

I have never had an eating disorder, so I can't speak firsthand from them and I'm not even going to try to speak on it...

But reading this, I thought, "your job is suppose to be helping other ppl, but how can you help anyone if you're not taking care of yourself?"...

I wish you well.

Anonymous said...

You find your way by looking into your children's eyes every day. You continue to be so self-consumed with yourself that you are forgetting that you chose to bring your children into the world and it is about them, not you. How can you see their faces every day and continue to abuse yourself? What kind of message are you wanting to send to them? What kind of example and role model are you wanting to be for them? If your children give you a purpose for living then your motivation needs to come from them. Otherwise this disease will kill you one day and your children will be left with no mother. Is that motivation enough to find your way?

jakill said...

Angela, you just have to keep trying to believe in your own self worth. We all believe in you. If you weren't a worthy person, you certainly wouldn't be able to help youngsters in the job that you do. Please try harder to overcome this and look after yourself more. You deserve it and so do your loved ones.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

All I can think of is one sentence I read. you stated,"I was hungry."

Yeahhhh, great accomplishment right there. Slow but sure still gets you there!!

Luv ya!
Jackie:-)

Nostradamas said...

In answer to the title of this blog.There is always a way. Sometimes you just have to let go to find it.Talk to your Angels. They can usually help.