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Saturday, May 1, 2010

It's Not My Fault

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I haven't written much about therapy lately, I guess. It is just too painful to even put into words that I can later look at, and read. Going into my own head and regurgitating memories is hard enough, and verbalizing isn't my strong suit, but I've released a lot of crap in the past few sessions with my regular therapist. I was seeing a therapist for the trauma, but I could never really get comfortable. He did help me to better understand the flashbacks and dissociation though. Therapy is a strange process, and it takes a lot of trust, at least for me, to open up. It is weird, but my therapist knew right away that I had been sexually abused, even before I could tell her. She waited patiently for months before I said anything. Of course, it took me most of my life before I could speak. To tell you the truth, I thought that everyone already knew. I thought you could just look at me and see all of the ugliness. Not only that, but I thought that there was something about me...a target on my back...that I deserved what happened to me. God, I hated that little girl.
Now, I can forgive. Maybe not them, maybe never them, but me. I can forgive me for hating the child that I was. I can honestly say now, "It was not my fault."

5 Comments:

Glenna Frazier said...

I'm happy for you to be able to know that it was not your fault.

Wanda's Wings said...

You are really making progress. I was molested as a child and you tend to blame your inner child.

Ann said...

Good for you Angela. So wonderful that you finally are free from blaming yourself.

Lilysgramma said...

Dearest Angela,
It seems that you are finally making good progress. Realizing that it was not your fault is a huge step. Keep up the good work! The healing will follow close behind.

RoNald said...

good to hear that from you