I suppose that most of us are taught not to break the rules set up by society. I was always a good girl, afraid to get into trouble. Now the rules that I'm afraid to break are the rules that I've made up inside of my own head. I'm trying to break many of my rules surrounding food. I've come a long way from limiting myself to an apple a day, because if I ate more than that, something bad might happen. I still have the persistent rule that I can only eat one meal per day. I try breaking that by drinking a meal replacement drink at lunch, and trying to eat dinner, but that isn't always happening. If I eat lunch, then I end up skipping dinner, and vice versa. There is the feeling I have inside that I'm a bad person if I have needs, and eating is of course, a big need. It is hard for me to shake that feeling every single time I sit down to eat. Sitting down with the food in front of me is hard, picking up the fork is hard, taking a bite and swallowing is hard. There is a part of me that knows if I push myself, it will get easier with time, but the other voice in my head, the eating disorder voice always seems to be so much louder.
Today someone that I used to work with and hadn't seen in a few months told me that it looked like I had lost weight, and how great I looked. I hate comments like that. It fuels the ED voice, which then screams at me that I need to lose more weight to look even better. It makes me feel like she thought that I needed to lose the weight. Of course, why do I care what she thinks anyway? Yeah, I'm working on that too:)
So anyway...my goal is to break my meal a day rule. That will mean telling ED to F*** OFF, and telling myself that nothing bad will happen if I break that rule. I will still be a good person.
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7 Comments:
If someone tells you it looks like you've lost weight and you look good, who is to say that person knows what they are talking about. Their perception of what looks good might be very distorted. They may think an anorexic person "looks good" but that is not a healthy or accurate compliment. So be careful about who you are taking "compliments" from. Unless someone in your family or a close personal friends says that it looks like you've lost weight and that you look good because of that (which I doubt they would given how much they know about your condition), I wouldn't hold much stock in what other people are saying. Most people are ignorant and stupid and don't realize being too thin and anorexic is NOT a good thing.
Where to start and how many questions are you ready to answer? I agree with the person before me, be carful who you are taking compliments from. You know that there is only one person who you should be listening to and he has a big S on is chest. Lol!!
Superman
It's hard not to listen to what others think, but it is more important to be healthy.
Angela, what looks good is always in the eyes of the beholder!
I have no Eating Disorder yet the summary of how I restrict myself by pattern engraved in my soul during childhood are giving me a hard time. Durin one of the first sessions my t. explained the way I hold on to these patttern is like there magic to me yet they are nothing but myths. Boah, went against all I ever got taught or taught myself! By now at least sometimes when meeting one of these myths I manage to return this myth where it belongs: in the time gone by. It is hard but the analogy of myths helped already to de-mythify some!
What others think makes no difference. They are not the ones who have to face the woman in the mirror every morning. What you think of you is what matters most.
I say and have always lived by the phrase "who cares what others think" they are not living your life, you are. Besides, people who judge are not worth listening to anyway, listen to your heart.
Dear One, I have something over at my blog. You have been truly inspiring and openly sharing. I so much appreciate this as i have so many problems with that myself.
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