Sunday, September 26, 2010



I'm feeling far away, lost, and very disconnected. My husband said to me this morning, "You're shutting down, please talk to me," but there are no words that I'm able to form. They are only bubbles popping in my head before they can be released...beyond my grasp. Everything seems to be beyond my reach...slipping away. I'm slipping farther and farther away from myself, and everyone else. It is a soft place to rest, and sleep has been a welcomed escape from the dull ache in my chest. "Just do one thing different," I hear over and over again in my mind. That must be the answer I think to myself, though I'm sinking deeply into quick sand. I feel at once heavy and so very light and small. Only the weight of gravity keeps me here.


Flannery said...

For what it's worth, I'm with you. I've been where you are, and I'll probably be there again.

Please, call your therapist. That's what they're there for. This, exactly, is what they're there for. If there aren't words, then that's ok! Sometimes there aren't.

In my internet-y way, I'm here if you need me. Message me, whatever. If you want, I'm around.

Ann said...

All I can offer is my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there Angela. Let your husband, your therapist and everyone around you help you find the way.

clean and crazy said...

hang in there angela, you can get through this. your words float like clouds in the atmosphere. they flow like poetry i hope it helps to write it down

I Hate to Weight said...

i agree with everyone -- you can get through this.

i wonder if you have any sense of why you're in this place now? perhaps that doesn't matter.

take very good care. thinking of you.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, Angie. Please talk to Dave and talk to your therapist. I am very worried for you. Stay in the here and now, and hold on to the hands that are reaching out for you. Keep your feet on the ground and don't let yourself drift away <3

All my love <3<3<3

Paula said...

I am so sorry. PLease hang in there and sometimes all what is possible is breathing. Just breath!
Love from my heart to yours

Wanda's Wings said...

Please hang on Angela. You are going through so much right now and things must seem like they are spinning out of control. Find just one thing to hold on to. You are worth it.

Lee said...

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. While I know first hand the gifts you have for working with difficult children, I also know the stress involved with being isolated with particularly violent, unpredictable ones. I think you should ask for a less stressful placement at work. I think the stress there triggers your disease. I know the people you work with. Talk to them - they'll understand. Maybe this is the one thing different you need to do now. You are not strong enough right now to handle the stress of being assaulted daily. Most people are never that strong.
My family loves and treasures you,

Angela said...

Thanks Lee,
I've thought of asking for a new placement, but I'm not even sure where that would be. I'm doing o.k at work right now. It really hasn't been as bad lately. I appreciate all of your love and support. I hope you are all doing well. I miss you!

Anonymous said...

Alright, it is time!! What will make you better?! You know, but I think you are scared to ask. You may think there is too many people to ask and too much to ask from them, but it is time for you to start getting the things you have always needed. Does it really matter how much work it is going to be if it makes you better?