Sunday, October 10, 2010


Each memory washes over me, and instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I'm allowing them to come. They blow through me...waves of pain, but with every breath, I feel them crashing against the shore and floating away with the tide.
One of the memories I have is of "The hands." I wrote the poem below, and after it was finished, I actually felt like I could truly breathe, as if the hands had been suffocating me for so very long. In letting go, there is also a strange sadness that I don't quite understand yet. I feel an ache so tangible that I can almost reach out and touch it. Part of me longs for the numbness to return, and I know how to find it. I spend a lot of energy pushing it away...fighting the eating disorder and fighting to stay present. I want my life back.


Flannery said...

I'm so proud of you. I'm so in awe of you.

You are amazing.

Just Be Real said...

Here listening Angela. Thank you for sharing such a powerful memory. Blessings.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps what is happening is that you have let this one event define your life for so many years, you don't know what to do letting go of it. Who will you be without it? How will you define your life without it? What will you blog without it? It has held onto you for so long, you don't know who you are without it. It has consumed you and every part of your life, so I'm sure you are scared to let it go. Who will you be when you are saved and free from all the fear and dependence on this dysfunctional life. You might be surprised to find that you don't need it as much as you think you do. Surely you are tired of it dragging you down. Surely you are tired of it holding you back. Surely you are tired of it controlling your life. This is no way to live so if you want your life back, take it!

Ann said...

Power isn't always easy to achieve but you are gaining the strength you need to take power over your life. Way to go Angela.

Nicole said...

I'm glad it was therapeutic for you to write The Hands. There is a lot of pain and anguish in that poem, and it's good to know that writing the words out on paper helped you to let go of some of the hurt. Writing can be so cathartic at times and I hope it continues to help you heal and mend the parts of you that have been broken.

You are filled with a beautiful light, Angie, and I believe you will get your life back <3