Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Goodbye Fear


I sent my friend that I've been talking about an e-mail last week, but she hasn't replied, so I guess it is really over. I've been thinking about this a lot, and even if she decided that she wanted to be friends again, she has broken my trust in her. I would never feel like I could go to her if I were struggling. She is judging me, and I don't think that I can be friends with someone who does that. I would feel like I always had to be perfect and have no problems. Well, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and she hasn't been perfect in the relationship either. There have been times when she has hurt me, and I've never even said anything. She says that I'm self destructive, but there have and still are times when she also isn't so kind to her body. I've never nagged her to quit smoking which she has been doing since she was thirteen, even though she has many health concerns. It is not my place to judge her for her past mistakes or how she chooses to treat her body. I have come to accept that our friendship is over. I don't need friends who can only be there during the happy times. Well, there...that is my rant.

Other than the pain of dealing with that, I'm doing so well that it even surprises me! I'm eating better everyday. I may not eat three meals yet, but I'm having small snacks throughout the day, and then I have dinner. I think that yoga is saving my life. It has changed my outlook, and I'm feeling at peace with the decisions that I'm making for myself. The only complaint that I'm having is my sleep. It is not good, but when I take the sleep meds, I feel drowsy for the entire next day. I'm going to stop taking them or use them only if I can't sleep for days. The yoga is helping me to relax, and I was able to sleep last night without them, so maybe that trend will continue. Everything is changing, but for once I'm feeling good about it instead of being so afraid.

"All the fear has left me now. I'm not frightened anymore." ~Sarah Mclachlan


Anonymous said...

I don't think your friend was "judging" you. She just knew her limitations with what she was able to handle watching someone she cares about going down a destructive road. That would be hard for anyone and we need to be careful not to blame someone for how they feel. They are entitled to their feelings even if we don't understand them or would not react in the same way. I can't imagine for how long you were friends that she ever expected you to be perfect, and clearly she WAS there for you even when times were not happy so be sure and commend her for what she has done for you all of these years. I doubt she expected you to be perfect and things to be happy all the time. Be gentle with her and yourself, as we are all just human and our hearts break for different reasons and at different times, and what we can handle is different for everyone. We all have our limits and none of us should be blamed for that. Don't discount the friendship you did have by assigning blame and guilt and anger to anything both of you did or didn't do. It doesn't matter. I know you are hurt, but I'm sure your friend has been hurting for a long time watching you. Take a deep breath and try to accept what this is without having to rant about it...even though you are entitled to do doesn't serve a positive purpose. I'm sure you have asked her for many years to forgive you and hang in there with you and give you one more chance and just be there for you even through all of the pain and tragedy and tears and sorrow that have defined your life for so long. She did her best. She just may have run out of resources and energy to be strong for you...and that is OK. At the end of the day we are all fragile for different reasons. So we all find our way, people coming and going in our life, and we just keep moving forward trying to protect ourselves and our sanity and our spirit. We are all just doing our best.

Angela said...

I agree with most of what you say, but it is not like I ever even called her to ask for help. My ability to reach out for people has always been difficult. She hasn't been there for me since three years ago, when I hurt her.

Just me said...

I mostly agree with the first post too, but that doesn't mean you'll hurt any less. It's still the end of a close friendship and that's going to hurt. I'm praying for you as you move on from this.

The second half of your post was so wonderful to read - your attitude is amazing and I love how much of a change has come over you so quickly! It's great that the yoga is helping you this much!

Keep going! x

I Hate to Weight said...

Wow-ee, Angela. this is wonderful. look at you! i am beyond admiration for you, all around. thank you for sharing this with us.

re; your friend. yes, i agree with Anonymous on many things. however, i had something similar with a friend. i apologized for all my awful behavior and how it made her feel. however, i was never able to trust her again. we've drifted apart (and she was like a dear sister to me). i wish her very well, but never feel i can share anything with her.

Angela said...

Thanks for understanding about my friend. I think it will be hard to ever go back. Thnks for the kind compliment:)

Ann said...

It's never easy to lose a friend but sometimes it's just better to part ways. It sounds like you are finally your own new best friend anyway. Good job. I think maybe I should give that yoga a try :)

Angela said...

You really should try it, Ann! It is so awesome!