Sparkles

A few posts back, I said that I wanted to clean my house, because I knew that if I did, it would make me feel better. Well, I cleaned from top to bottom, and I do feel better! Now that I feel better, I also feel the need to analyze why. It used to be that when I cleaned, it was a way to avoid feelings. I kept so busy with my kids, my house, and my anorexia, that I had no time to deal with the fact that I had been raped. I find it interesting that as soon as I started going to therapy and dealing with both the rape and the eating disorder, I totally let my house go. I became almost immobilized by fear, anxiety, and the unknown. I lost myself in nightmares, memories, flashbacks, and panic attacks, all the while, still trying to starve away the pain. You would think that there would be a weight lifted after telling a secret that you have kept for so long, but it is not like that. Telling a secret makes it real, and I never wanted it to be real. What does this have to do with a dirty house? Well, while I was keeping my dirty secret, the best cover was to be perfect...to look perfect, have the perfect home and well groomed children, but once the secret was revealed, why bother with the facade? Now everyone new that I was dirty, and I felt dirty. Telling doesn't mean that all of a sudden you feel cleansed. No, the shame is there, waiting to eat you alive. I'm still working on shame four years of therapy later. It is a long process, but all of a sudden, there is an overwhelming need to wipe away the grime. It doesn't fit into my life anymore. Things need to change, because I'm changing. I don't need to hide behind the dust and the clutter anymore. I look around, and everything sparkles, and if you know me at all, you know how much I love sparkles!