Therapy was difficult yesterday. We talked about "new" memories that I've been having. They are mostly body memories, and the pain of remembering. We also talked about my guilt and shame over not screaming and fighting. I was telling my mom about the aftermath. My dad lived in an apartment where I was raped. After it happened, I cleaned myself up. There was so much blood. For some strange reason I put on a bathing suit. I walked to the apartment dumpster and threw away the sheets. I remember that there were tiny yellow roses on the pajamas that I had been wearing...I threw them away also. God, I was a child. Afterward I walked through the gate into the apartment pool, jumping into the water and swimming furiously back and forth, my breath coming in rapid gasps. I wanted to be clean and submerged. Eventually I climbed out, exhausted. I went and lay down on the diving board, falling asleep. Early in the morning, as the sun was coming up, a neighbor woman saw me who had always been so kind to me, came and scooped me up, carrying me into her apartment, where I slept on her couch for hours. I wonder why she didn't take me to my dad. I know that I must have been in shock. My mom remembers me walking off the plane when I came home, my hair dyed a stark blonde. She said that I looked frightened, but she thought that I was just afraid that she would be mad about my hair. I thought I would tell her, the words stuck in my throat, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't even have the words for what had happened to me. She remebers taking me to the doctor for a vaginal infection, and the doctor couldn't insert the speculem. I don't recall this. It makes it real, and why sometimes it feels dream like makes me angry. The anger comes and I push it away.
Yesterday my therapist said that I seemed flat and emotionless. It is the eating disorder that makes me like that. I don't eat all day. I was telling my friend Jenny that I'm on the one meal a day rule right now. I'm having a harder time the swallowing than usual. It is listed as one of the side effects of the Abilify that I'm on, so that is most likely the reason, but it makes it harder to want to eat. Today I see my nutritionist to get weighed. Part of me wants to know my weight, but I also know that it would be triggering. 100 lbs, 95, 90...it would never be enough. I like that I'm getting more toned from the yoga, and I don't feel really bad about my body right now. I think that I can get back on track. This is just a blip in my recovery, and until I get all the way through healing, which I do hope will happen, I think those blips are going to happen.
Okay, my husband is sitting here watching me blog. "What are you doing. Writing a book, he asks?" I will wrap this up now:)
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6 Comments:
hi sweetheart,
sometimes when i read what you write i sit and nod. someday when the time is right we'll talk.
you mention having a tough time swallowing and i just wanted to tell you that sometimes, usually in the very dark and silent places, i have a really tough time with this, too. i've never been able to pinpoint why but i think when one goes quiet in such profound ways that our body can go along. it isn't logical but trauma and body memories are complex. i don't take Abilify so i know it isn't that. i can be eating something i eat almost every day (no zero food days at this point) that hardly needs chewing and i'll start to gag and can barely get it down. in your case it's best to take the med out and go from there but i thought i'd mention this.
as far as the food stuff i know, know, know how easy it is to medicate and numb via this method. this is when i try to think of my 3 yo self, 4, 7,11 and on bc trauma work is taxing and REtraumatizing the body is no good. starving accomplishes this because the body is then traumatized both internally and out. it certainly shifts the focus but i gotta tell you, i do NOT want to be slogging through therapy with all the old stuff forever. someday i want to walk in and talk about some stupid communication gaffe simply because i can't think of anything else. even if i'm 75 i want this.
now that i have written the prologue for the next chapter i'll desist! hehehehe.
much love
((((((Angela))))))) Thinking of you.
azhe'n's comment:
"i do NOT want to be slogging through therapy with all the old stuff forever."
AMEN!
I hope everyone is listening.
You are digging yourself out. You are doing it. Write as much as you need to; it could never be too much.
You are loved by so many people.
Including me.
Jenny
*HUGS*
Keep fighting. You're right - it's just a blip. You're SO strong xx
You're doing awesome, sure there are ups and downs but hopefully more ups than downs. Two steps forward and one step back is still a step forward.
As for writing a book...why not? It might be cool.
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