Sunday, July 3, 2011

When Will I Forgive?

"They held me down and took turns. I didn't struggle, I didn't scream, and for so long I have hated myself for that." I just wrote these words on The Cycle Of Healing blog, and I realize that most of my self hatred stems from the fact that I didn't try. I did nothing. I question myself constantly over this. "Why didn't you fight?" I still have dreams where I am paralyzed, and I have no voice. I want to forgive myself, but to be honest, I haven't yet.


I Hate to Weight said...

i have no words other than to support you and care a great deal.

you are facing so much. give yourself credit if you can. i can have no concept of how incredibly difficult and painful this must be.

you are a very brave woman, this i know

Mike Golch said...

Only thing I can say is that i am sorry that this happend to is a question for you had you fought back or screamed would you still be alive today. From the sound of it,I doubt that you would be.Sadly those attackers would not of let you live had you fought sound like they were a bunch of cowards in the first place of they would not have gand attacked you.I Pray that you find some healing in my words.

Eve said...

For the past 20 minutes I have been scouring the SIA slogan book to find an answer for you. And as I have come up with none, I feel that all I can say is this,"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."--Philippians 4:8-9
Angela--beautiful one, I cannot tell you to forgive yourself. But I do believe that you will. You were not to blame. And I truly believe that your mind did in that horrific moment, exactly what it needed to do to keep you safe. You have always been an intuitive person, and your mind knew what would happen if you fought. You were a child. You are not to blame for what happened to you. I am so sorry that you were put in that position. I will be praying for you.
Much love,

Anonymous said...

You will forgive when you are tired of living otherwise.

Colleen said...

honestly...just because you didnt fight back, doesnt mean you were wishing this upon yourself. How about maybe you were having a moment of shock and confusion ? Most of us are taught to be kind to others, but never taught to be kind to ourselves...what a concept that would be! In a round about way I feel we are taught to submit (maybe not conciously but sub-consciously)..I'm not sure if that makes sense and maybe I'm not saying it right...let yourself off the hook, be good to yourself. Something we all should have been good to ourselves.