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Saturday, October 22, 2011

I'm Not Crazy...


“As a survivor of child sexual abuse, you have a lot to grieve for. You must grieve for the loss of your feelings. You must grieve for your abandonment. You must grieve for the past and grieve for the present, for the damages you now have to heal, for the time it takes, for the money it costs, for the relationships ruined, the pleasure missed. You grieve the opportunities lost while you were too busy coping.” The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

There is always the underlying grief sitting in my chest. What is lost only means that there is so much more to gain, but that can be hard to remember when you are in it. It seems like it takes actual effort to let it go. I breathe in and out during yoga, always it is the breath. Today I sat in the sun with friends surrounding me, and still I had to consciously inhale and exhale, letting the grief dissipate around me, knowing it would return, but letting it go all the same. Yes, I'm here, I'm now...always my mantra. How many people have to remind themselves of where they live, how old they are, who they live with,etc...I'm not crazy...I'm not...

12 Comments:

Anonymous said...

More Sun

Jennifer said...

What you are is *strong.*

Anonymous said...

From RiRi... No you're not crazy at all Angela. I understand the pressure of grief and being among laughter and yet grief is sitting so heavy upon your chest. That grief is real, it's there and one has to consciously be aware of it to rise above it, to exhale it, until it returns. You have that Angela. That awareness, that conscious knowing and you're rising above it, even when it hurts so bad. It's a very challenging work to do, but you're doing it. Healing from abuse can be very tough sometimes but you're doing it in spite of the hardness of it...Not crazy at all Angela but what I see is a process of healing....Love to you, RiRi

battleinmind said...

Oh lovely I'm right there with you. That overwhelming feeling of pain. Childhood abuse is a horrible, horrible thing. We heal slowly, and the grieving process is long. We never forget but maybe we can learn to live with it. I hope we can.

xxxx

Wanda's Wings said...

Knowing what it is to experience child abuse I can relate to what you feel. You are not crazy. I'm not crazy. We are healing and you are strong.

John Buchanan said...

You ask;'How many people have to remind themselves of where they live, how old they are, who they live with,etc' well I guess I make it at least 2!
As for crazy; I have to challenge and justify every thought I have, because most of them are me trying to find a point in living. I mean what is the point of living when you have lost every single thing you thought you were, and every thing you used to enjoy, and the only sensation you can feel is horrendous physical pain.
No your not crazy, nor am I, but Grief can only be overcome with time and faith, faith in the fact that there is something better out there and given time you will find it.

Eve said...

We r not alone! We r not crazy! Ilove u!

Anonymous said...

Yes, we allow ourselves time to grieve. That is most important. But then we must pick ourselves up,look ahead, become survivors, look for the sun, move away from the dark and move on. We give ourselves "the courage to heal." After months turn into years it is time to put the grief behind us and allow the healing to take over our lives. After months turn into years it does not serve our purpose to continue to stay in the dark. At some point the grieving we have done has to be enough. We have to want a better life..that is the answer. Some people feel better wrapped up in the sadness because it's all they know so it is a comfort. But that is a self-defeating behavior. We must have "the courage to heal" and move towards the light. There is no comfort in staying in the dark.

Angela said...

I think that I do talk about the fact that I'm learning to let go of the grief. I'm glad that you have decided what is an appropriate amount of time for me to grieve. "Just get over it already." Right? These past few years have been spent using many destructive coping skills. That is not the same as feeling and grieving. I just love anonymous comments sometimes!

Anonymous said...

From RiRi: Angela I enjoy reading your blog and your posting at cycle of healing. I too felt the "just get over it already". But I also truly felt a sincere person behind this comment. I felt a person who really cares. Sometimes in wanting others to feel better we over step our boundaries, not because we want to control but because we truly want happiness for the one we're trying to serve. No, there is no set or appointed time for grieving. We all are different and approach our losses in many different ways. I love you Angela and hope that you will continue to heal in your own time and way. God bless you....RiRi

Angela said...

Thanks RiRi~ Maybe you are right, and I'm being too hard on the person who commented. I'm in a bad mood and a student that I work with broke my finger today. I do appreciate your comments! Take care:)

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