Friday, October 21, 2011

You Are A Soul

You don't have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body." ~ C.S. Lewis

I love this quote because it reminds me that I am not my body. I am so much more than this outer shell that I inhabit. All of us are so much more, but sometimes the physical and what we see on the outside is who we believe we are. We worry so much about our appearance instead of cultivating all of the many gifts that we hold within. Our souls are what will continue to give, long after we are gone, if we allow all of the love that is inside to pour out, and onto those around us. I'm beginning to realize that when I take care of my body, it is a way of telling those close to me how much I love them. I'm learning that I cannot love anyone fully until I can love myself. It has taken me so much time to see this, and I need constant reminders.
I've been thinking a lot about my work situation. I've wasted so much of my life living in fear and being in pain. I want to wake up in the morning without a feeling of dread. Staying where I am triggers feelings of being out of control and trapped, which are horrible memories of being raped. Those memories need to lie dormant, not be constantly stirred up if I'm going to heal. Taking care of myself and my own basic needs do not come naturally to me. I have to work at it and pay attention when I'm causing myself harm. I'm often in denial about the ways that I hurt myself. Just because this is the truth doesn't make it any easier to walk away, and I'm still struggling with that decision.
Today is another day off of work for me. Yesterday I went to the dentist bright and early, went to my son's parent/teacher conference, and had an amazing yoga class in the evening. I was promptly asleep on the couch, curled up with my dog by 9:00 p.m. This morning I took an advanced yoga class, and there is always so much to learn. I love the challenge. Yesterday I was talking to a friend who was in-patient with me at Renfrew and we were talking about the difficulties with exercise, and becoming obsessed with it. She said that she wished there were personal trainers who were experienced in helping people with eating disorders. That is what I would like to do with my yoga practice someday is to help people who are struggling with balance and body image. It has really changed my perception of what my body can do versus what it looks like. Well, that is enough babbling for today. I wish everyone a fabulous weekend!


Sairs said...

I'm glad you are doing comforting things for yourself, even when you are having bad thoughts. Those gentle times, the time that remind us why we live on, really are amazing. Thinking of you and thanks for your comment :)

Anonymous said...

It's very beautiful and inspiring! Thank you! <3

John Buchanan said...

Really enjoyed this one, especially the quote which you started with. Thanks, have a great weekend.

Just me said...

Wow, I love that quote, and your explanation of it!