I look down at my hands, unrecognizable as my own, gazing around surroundings all at once familiar and strange, searching my mind for my last conscious memory. In a flash of rememberance, the room begins to spin, and I shut my eyes tightly, until the red fades to black and I can once again breathe.
New memories take me by surprise. It is a smell, a look, a touch, or something they said to me and I'm gone. I want to stay, but somehow my mind goes on automatic pilot, protecting the child that I was. I think that I'm doing so much better until I have another episode, and then I feel like I'm back at square one. Why can't these memories stay buried like so many others? It seems unfair to have to be brought back to the past time and again. Do I do this to myself, and why? It is a constant battle to stay in the present, and I work so hard. As I sit here, I realize that I'm blaming myself for the memories, as if I want to torture myself, and that is not true. I have therapy today, and I need answers or explainations...a way not to blame myself.
New memories take me by surprise. It is a smell, a look, a touch, or something they said to me and I'm gone. I want to stay, but somehow my mind goes on automatic pilot, protecting the child that I was. I think that I'm doing so much better until I have another episode, and then I feel like I'm back at square one. Why can't these memories stay buried like so many others? It seems unfair to have to be brought back to the past time and again. Do I do this to myself, and why? It is a constant battle to stay in the present, and I work so hard. As I sit here, I realize that I'm blaming myself for the memories, as if I want to torture myself, and that is not true. I have therapy today, and I need answers or explainations...a way not to blame myself.
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2 Comments:
Let me preface this by saying, what I am about to share is not an insult in any way, but I know from experience there are people that get so used to living in a state of blame and shame and turmoil and guilt, that breaking out of that is very scary. They are more comfortable living in a state of darkness, and once they start healing and getting better, they realize they don't like being there. They want to go back to what they know. What their "normal" has become. What they are familiar with. That is where they find comfort because that is all they know. You might think about that and try to find where your true comfort is. You might be surprised.
I struggled a lot with certain places, smells, thoughts, people, music, anything bringing me back to memories from my past. Memories that were painful but I felt like I deserved to still be living those memories because it's what I "deserved" and it wasn't until really truly confronting and understanding and FORGIVING myself and others for those memories was I able to truly let them go. It took time, but I have been able to let go of alot of them and I have learned skills (and self-love and forgiveness) to be able to push out the memories that still try to creep in.
I hope you are able to talk to your therapist today and understand more as to why it's been happening more lately. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it <3
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